Okay ladies, it’s time to talk logistics. There are roughly seven billion people on this planet and you make up a smidge under half of that number. You can go ahead and blame the Chinese for the inequity. For the sake of time, and the fact that I barely passed my Social Statistics class with a B- and a tutor, lets just say there are three and a half billion women traipsing around the globe.
Now, if that weird “10% of the population is homosexual” statistic is true (it’s already been established I wasn’t paying attention in Social Statistics), that means there are only 150 million gay men making this a more beautiful world.
You want a gay best friend? Get in line. We’re a hot commodity, sister, and we know it.
Luckily Fag is here to help you play cutsies and get your name on top of the waiting list. What can I say? I’m a giver.
Oh, you’re married? Doesn’t matter. Husbands love us. Just ask Mr. Bitch. He hasn’t had to listen to incessant obsessive/compulsive decision-making chatter about area rugs in years because of me. He just lounges in his man-den all day playing video games while I’m being dragged from Home Goods to Tuesday Morning and back. Don’t get me wrong, I adore a good Home Goods afternoon, but I’m obviously the glue holding this marriage together.
Heed these simple rules and you’ll never be without conversation regarding how haggard Chelsea Handler is looking these days, someone to go to JoAnn Fabrics with, or a friend to tell you it’s time to wax that lip.
Focus. Three gays just entered life-long, sexless marriages while you opened that three week old US Magazine. Now dust the Cheez-Its off your robe, and lets get things crackin'.
1. Don’t be too put together. Us gays like a project. If you’re already walking around looking like Heidi Klum we have nowhere to go. Maybe if Heidi weren’t so pretty she’d have a gay bestie holding that marriage together…
2. Don’t be too much of a mess. Remember, the gays value potential. There has to be a glimmer of hope for us to sign on. If your cat is named Mr. (Anything) change it immediately. That’s gay best friend Bubonic Plague.
3. Don’t pretend you know more about fashion—even if you do. Fashion is the gay God. We worship it. We don’t like to believe that anyone knows more about it than we do. Anna Wintour really fucked this one up, and that’s why she has had the same coif for like, a billion years.
4. For the love of Kors, don’t try to find your homo husband in a gay bar. The last thing you need is to be holding some Mo’s clutch full of poppers while he dances shirtless with a twink named Javier.
5. Have good credit. Just trust me on this one. Although we love a good bargain, hunting for “designer” jeans at TJ Maxx gets old real quick. We love the finer things in life, and sometimes you need to gift us some quality time at a “Collection,” not a strip mall.
This is just the beginning. I don't want to make the search seem impossible. Gay baby steps, ladies.
May you all find your Ricky Martin.