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November 17, 2016

None of this ever happened, but it would be funny if it did.

  • A New Jersey man was seen running down the street earlier this afternoon with his crotch in flames. Apparently it burns when he pees.
  • Fourteen Catholic nuns were rushed to the hospital this morning as each simultaneously went into labor. In unrelated news, the Holy Spirit has checked back into rehab.
  • Greek women across the United States have begun protesting the outcome of the recent presidential election by refusing to shave their legs. So far nobody has taken notice.
  • A Missouri women has decided to sue her local McDonalds claiming that she could not fit into one of the restaurant’s booths. After being laughed at by the entire staff she then ordered the driver of her forklift to back out and take her home.
  • The President received a puppy today as a gift and so far the little guy hasn’t stop licking his own ass. Mr. Obama was quoted as saying, “He’ll fit right in around here.”
dog chewing rear1-2.jpg
  • A local charity has adopted the tagline that they “Are Bigger Than Caner” in an attempt to raise awareness for cancer survivors. Cancer responded with, “It’s not the size that counts, it’s how you use me.”
  • A poll that was taken last week in Texas has shown that people who participate in polls are in fact complete idiots.
  • A bus full of elderly Christians in route to hear the Rev. Billy Graham speak flipped over on the New Jersey Turnpike earlier this afternoon. Authorities have ruled the accident “An Act of God.”
  • A support group for amputees will meet at seven tonight at the Bingo Hall in Long Branch. Volunteers have been requested to attend as some members may need a hand.