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October 04, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

At one point during Wednesday night's presidential debate, Mitt Romney retorted, “Mr. President, you’re entitled to your own airplane and house, but not your own facts.” At which point he looked off stage and gave co-writer Jay Leno a big thumbs up.

Romney also said he'd cut spending to public broadcasting, including PBS, though he said, "I love Big Bird." Romney again totally neglecting those in society who are literally living out of trash cans.

Fox News and the Drudge Report spent part of Tuesday hyping a supposedly damaging video of Barack Obama that, it turns out, has been online since 2007. "Okay," they said, "but have you seen this fat kid in his garage reenacting Star Wars?"

Filming of "Iron Man 3" resumed this week after stopping on Aug. 16 when Robert Downey Jr. got hurt doing a stunt. Because you really need to stretch before you try and do something strenuous like making people forget "Iron Man 2" ever happened.

Barack and Michelle Obama celebrated their 20th anniversary Wednesday. Michelle got him a new watch and Barack took her to see an up-and-coming Latino comedian. http://i.imgur.com/skIPY.jpg

A new government report says about a fifth of all supplements misrepresent their health benefits. But hey, so does the military.

In France, the country's health care system will now totally cover the cost of abortions. "Wait," said Fox News, "Obama did what?"

"American Idol" judges Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey got into an argument on set and it was captured by a hidden camera. Fortunately Nicki Minaj's butt got in between them.

Obama is being sued by a Chinese-owned company after it was told it could not purchase a wind farm near a naval base in Oregon. "Now who's the communist?" the firm asked sincerely.

Magician David Blaine plans to stand on a pillar for 72 hours while being shocked by Tesla coils. Promoters say it's coolest thing to ever involve David Blaine and the worst to ever involve Nikola Tesla.

Shirts featuring deceased drug lord Pablo Escobar's face are quickly becoming popular in Mexico. They're available both with long and snort sleeves.

According to a new book, Obama initially hoped to put Osama bin Laden on trial. Which could still be possible if only the U.S. would recognize the court of mighty Poseidon.

Turkey fired upon targets in Syria in response to an attack that hit a Turkish town bordering the countries. "Okay, let's try to calm down perhaps," said the United Nations in a Facebook post.