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March 11, 2015
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Dear Iran, I am just a private citizen, but if you don't keep 'The X-Files' on Netflix I will order the Air Force to strafe Tehran.

This week, Senator Tom Cotton and 46 other Republican Senators wrote an open letter to the government of Iran, warning them that their current negotiations with the Obama administration over Iran’s nuclear program were not supported by U.S. Republicans and that any treaty could be overturned by a Republican president. This letter arguably violates American law, specifically the Logan Act, which bans negotiating with foreign governments on America’s behalf if not specifically empowered to do so.

But hey, as long as we’re all writing letters to Iran, here’s mine.


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Dear Ayatollahs Or Whatever,

My name is Melinda Taub and I am a citizen of the United States of America. It has come to my attention that your government is involved in negotiations with President Barack Obama regarding your nuclear program. I was deeply concerned to learn that though Obama is offering significant concessions on the number of centrifuges Iran will be allowed, you have not offered in return any plan to combat Netflix’s plan to remove The X-Files from their streaming service at the end of the month.

This will not stand. If The X-Files does not remain on Netflix, I will have no choice but to disavow these negotiations. And without the support of me, Melinda Taub, professional comedy writer, any treaties resulting from these negotiations will be null and void.

How is that, you say? Well, as a citizen of the United States, I have exactly the same Constitutional authority to negotiate with foreign governments as Senator Tom Cotton and his 46 friends, who recently sent you a letter disavowing your negotiations with Obama. Until yesterday, I thought that amount of authority was zero. But since Cotton and his Republican pals are now openly going around the President to threaten ongoing negotiations and cozy up to heads of state, I figure I can go ahead and do the same, if the issue is important enough. Obviously, having continuous streaming access to all nine seasons of The X-Files is such an issue. Maybe it doesn’t mean that much to everyone but it does to me, and my parents always told me to follow my dreams.

Just put out a quick email blast to the office to see if anyone else has any demands for Iran. Here’s the complete list of our demands. Fulfill all of these or we will order the 101st Airborne to strafe Tehran.

John wants to legalize throwing firecrackers off his roof.

Matt wants you to bring back The Larry Sanders Show.

Dan says the salad maker at our local lunch place is silently judging him for how long it takes him (Dan) to pick toppings and Dan would like to shoot him out of a cannon.

Nate M. thinks women should be required to dress more modestly. (This one’s right in your wheelhouse!)

Nate D. wants to meet Coolio.

Jenny also demands that you save The X-Files, but she says only seasons one through five.

So, Iran, make every one of these demands happen. You have to. Remember — we pose the exact same threat to you as those 47 senators.

I am also taking this opportunity to unilaterally dissolve every agreement the U.S. has with France.

Best,

Melinda Taub

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