Full Credits

Stats & Data

September 19, 2008


Went over to my homeboy's crib the other night to rendevous before a late night screening of the original Donnie Darko. "Dude I still need to shower, let Trevor entertain you for a bit." Trevor is his 10 year old stepson and was currently engrossed in his Play Sation 3.  He paused the action and looked up at me with the exuberance of youth. "Want to play?"I have to admit my naivete when it comes to the new game systems that are out. But I'm from the old school, a stomper of dual footed mushrooms and turtle shells, a gold coin gobbling blue spiky rodent blur, I NEVER needed the extra 21 guy code in Contra. Up,up,down,down was for pussies... This kid was in for a beatdown. "Alright Tanner, give me the 411 on this game young blood." -"It's Trevor."

"Awesome."Tanner hands me a controller the size of a dachsund with more blinking lights on it than a crib mobile for special needs babies. "What the chode is this thing!?!"

-"Alright, your left toggle aims your gun and the right one strafes. Hold the control pad forward to move. The right bank of buttons are your primary weapons, machine gun, sniper rifle, rocket launcher, and your secondary buttons are for side items like knives, laptop computers and grappling hooks.""What?" At this point I'm thinking there's probably not a blinky red flower in this one that I can jump on then shoot fireballs out of my face.-"Don't worry you'll get it. I'll tell everybody you're a rookie.""Tell who?"Trevor puts the mic down on his headset.-"Yo check it, we got a newb in the house." He then explained to me he's playing with a bunch of Korean kids over the net. Fine with me, let all across the globe feel my wrath!!!12 seconds later I'm dead. It quickly became a game of me trying to run more than 20 paces without getting shot in half. I don't think I ever got to fire my weapon.-"Might help if you use your perimeter shield, the button on the bottom."Oh good another button. Unfortunately this didn't work either. To make it a challenge all the other gamers were only allowed to use hand weapons. The result was a 33 year old man running in circles hitting every button he could on the controller like a frustrated epileptic while children from Korea stabbed me to death with hunting knives."Alright dude, I'm ready to go lets roll out," says my buddy who appeared just in time. I throw down the controller in frustration. Trevor looks at me with a shit eating grin. "Have fun?" he asks. I flick him on the forehead as hard as I can and walk towards the door.-"Owww! What was that for?!?"

"Your shield was down bro..."