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June 01, 2015
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June is both National Candy Month and National Fresh Fruits and Vegetables Month. Don't fret. We've figure out a way to celebrate both.

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America is a country divided. We are split between the comfort of outdated virtues and the allure of sweet ideals. I’m not talking about the presidential election. For one goddamn minute stop thinking about the presidential election. (It’s Bernie’s race to lose.) The real issue at the core of this nation is that June is both National Fresh Fruits & Vegetables Month and National Candy Month.

For many weaker countries, this would cause civil unrest.But this is goddamn America and we’re all about putting chicken on waffles and bacon on everything. We are a country that took female beauty pageants and said, “let’s make this sexier, and with young children.” And then put that idea on television. What I’m saying is that we are a country that doesn’t see conflict; we seize opportunity. Stop worrying about which to observe this month. Just smash them together and celebrate at 200%.

Here are some ideas on how to pay your respects to both fruits and vegetables and to candy during the month of June:

Peach Rings

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Peach Rings: True to their name, when you eat a glob of this it tastes like peaches (fruit!) and your entire mouth is torn apart by the sugar encrusted gummy ring (candy!)

Cotton Candy Grapes

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Cotton Candy Grapes: Science took nature’s purest fruit (fruit!) and made it taste like a carny’s favorite food (candy!)

Pina Colada

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Pina Colada: What’s a double celebration without drinking? You’ve got rum which is made form sugarcane (candy!), pineapple (fruit!), and colada (??)!

Crystalized Ginger

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Crystallized Ginger: Fancy sugar (candy!) and something that doesn’t taste all that great (fruits and vegetables!)

Just put all the candies, fruits, and veggies in your mouth

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Just shove it all in there! Fuck it! It’s a celebration! Go crazy. Rampage through your supermarket and stuff whatever you want (candy!) in your mouth along with the stuff kept alive by the little sprinklers (fruit and vegetables!)

Have a good time this month! At the end of the day, both of these celebrations are meant to be educational (fruit and vegetables!) and fun (candy!)

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