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July 09, 2011

Sex advice from the man who knows it better than you.

The Unbreakable Taboo

Sex is tough. I never could get the hang of it while I was a human, and I ended up dying a virgin. I know what you’re thinking. If the prince of heaven couldn’t get laid, what chance do I have?
Well it is true. If I can’t get laid you probably have little chance but fear not, I am here to help.

As an almost-deity, I lived as a man for 33 years and have lived in heaven for the last 2,011 years or so. I know a little bit more about sex than your average human even though technically, I never have experienced it. So here it is, free, unsolicited sex advice from Jesus Christ your Lord.

Before we begin, I want to give a shout out to Martin Scorsese for filming me having sex. I know that the whole me-having-sex-with-Mary-Magdalene thing was all a part of the dream sequence for his film The Last Temptation of Christ but still, it was nice to see me getting some. I mean Mary was super into me; I really should have at least done it once. But even better, William Dafoe did it while portraying me! Marty I can’t thank you enough.  

Okay sorry about that, back to sex advice.

So my first piece of advice, watch out for the incest taboo. I know, I know, you already knew that, but seriously, it can be a problem. Especially for a young boy whose mother was as beautiful as mine.  Obviously none of you have ever actually seen my mother other than that horrible depiction of her the Catholic Church uses--well, she was a looker. As most of you know she had me when she was only 14; so when I was hitting puberty she was only 26 and there was no better looking 26 year old woman in all of Jerusalem.

Man, the dreams I had about her. Just let me savor them for a second... But I could never act on any of these impulses or dreams because she was my mother.

The whole thing was, and still is, freaking crap though.

Yeah she gave birth to me but if you read the Bible you know I’m part of the Holy Trinity. I’m really just my father; I’m God in human form. So if God can impregnate her with himself, why can’t he,God, in human form, have sex with her? I’ll tell you why, because of that stupid incest taboo.

I’M FREAKING JESUS! The stupid taboos shouldn’t even matter to me. For my sake, I died on the darn cross for these people and yet they wouldn’t let me break a single taboo. It was and really still is completely insulting.

Hey, I wonder if that’s why I was super into Magdalene, because her name was Mary too... Probably.

What have we learned today my faithful disciples? That no matter how reasonable and sound your arguments are, the incest taboo is unbreakable. No one will ever understand and it is totally frustrating but you will just have to deal with it. In the end, it just isn’t worth it.