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July 12, 2016
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Bernie Sander's reluctant endorsement of Hillary Clinton.

In a speech given earlier today, Bernie Sanders has officially endorsed Hillary Clinton in the race against Donald Trump for president. See below for a draft of the speech he actually wanted to give.


Today, I am putting aside the differences between me and my competitor in this hard-fought campaign. With disappointment and bitterness in the rear-view mirror of my rusting baby blue 1996 Subaru Outback, I endorse Hillary Clinton for President of the United States of America.

I unequivocally declare that Hillary Clinton is the Democratic nominee for president, and I am a Democrat. Though we differ in our political beliefs, namely when it comes rescuing campaign finance reform from the rotting, fetid swamp of discarded American ideals, Secretary Clinton and I share a political party, and that means I support that party, even as my enamel slowly erodes under the violent gnashing of my angry teeth.

With a dry mouth and aching chest, I raise my voice in support of Hillary Clinton, who I consider not just a colleague but a friend…a friend who has sadly been corrupted by the influence of special interest groups over years of sucking up to the bottom feeders who have been taking America for a ride since the Nixon era.

Over the past several months, I have had the opportunity to hear from people all over this great country, people who identified my campaign’s message of taking down billionaire bankers and corrupt politicians. And I don’t know what happened after those meetings, because they seemed to be going very well, and then everyone turned around and voted for Secretary Clinton, which is just like, whatever.

But now it’s high time to let bygones be bygones. Mostly because I am literally out of time–there are no primaries left and, let’s be honest, I’ve been stalling out here. Kinda worked. That college tuition affordability stuff–that’s something. I guess. Sorta. Whatever.

I see a bright future ahead for this party and this country, but that’s because I haven’t taken down this picture from my vision board:

Obama.jpg

Put together with MS Paint.

So I stand here, sweaty and anxious and sick to my stomach, and say: Hillary Clinton will be the next President of the United States of America, and I wish the Green Party wasn’t such a damn punchline. I mean, at least call yourselves something other than the Green Party. For God’s sake.

Hillary Clinton for President: I mean it. From the bottom of my heart. Not the bottom, actually. The top part. The top one percent of the one percent of my heart. A tiny sliver of my breaking heart.

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