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Published February 28, 2014 More Info »
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Andy Newton
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Published February 28, 2014

Today is my last day working as an assistant to an eccentric millionaire; that is, until Gary Busey finally gets back to me about my CV. Yes, just as the sun must make its splendiferous, many-hued journey across the powdery azure landscape above us, to trek, finally, over dusk’s mountain passes, silhouetted like ships against the eastern horizon, so, too, must I go -- well, the new job is just a few stops further down the Red Line, actually.

In any case, to mark the occasion of my much overdue exit, I have compiled a brief list of the various things I learned at the office over the past six months.

First, you can convert an entire email thread on Microsoft Outlook from plain text to HTML simply by navigating through the “Options” tab on a New Message window in said thread. Oh, and also, that latte you’re picking up for your coworker will cost, like, twice as much as your own order.

Second, it’s important to pad out the schedule. Remember, just because your 10 o’clock phone call may only take 45 minutes, it doesn’t mean you should schedule the next call for 10:45. Mark it down as an even hour in the books, and you’ll give your team the necessary time to stretch their legs, use the restroom, and collect their thoughts. Honestly, though, what qualitative difference is there between my dark roast and his latte that mine costs only, like, two and change, and his comes to $4.40? I mean, is it the manpower? Is it so labor intensive to steam? Is it the milk? Seriously, what’s Starbuck’s margin on a drink like that?

Third, if you’re incorporating images with text on a word document, right-click the image, select “Format Picture,” and, under the “Layout” tab on the right-hand menu, click “Behind the Text”. This will allow you to freely move the image around the page without all the usual hassle. Milk, that’s considered a staple, too, right? Like, it’s one of those items that people always talk about the price of, for some reason. Like, it’s representative of something or other. Prices, I guess. How much does a gallon of milk cost these days, anyway? Like seven bucks? That sounds about right. I mean, if a dark roast is two and change. Really, I can’t see myself spending more than $2.50 on a gallon of milk. $2.75. Not in good conscience. I read that people aren’t really supposed to digest dairy, anyway. Though, if we’re being honest, I do love myself a good camembert.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, when you arrive at the office first thing in the morning, be sure never to forget to -- Almond milk! I heard that’s a thing now. Right? Like, soy’s no good anymore? Like, we’re not actually supposed to drink soy, either. I don’t know. I heard that. How many almonds would it even take to make a gallon of milk, anyway? I mean, what do you even do, anyway? Like, grind it up? Like, you just grind it up with a mortar and pestle? Weird. If you had told me when I was 11 that in 13 years I would be drinking, essentially, a juice made purely of almonds, I would’ve told you, you were crazy. I don’t know. I guess you live and you learn.

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