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April 13, 2015
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Dolphins with freaking laser beams attached to their heads will be patrolling coast lines and hunting down terrorists.

An army of bottlenose dolphins and California sea lions are trained and prepped for war in an effort by the United States Navy to maintain underwater dominance across the globe. This decision highlights the US military’s recent progress towards equality in terms of accepting recruits regardless of sexual orientation, race, gender, or species.

So far 90 sea lions and 50 dolphins have been drafted into the Naval forces. It’s their duty to patrol ports, collect intelligence, and mine detection. Most of the aquatic mammals are new recruits but there are some, like one sea lion named Joe, are seasoned veterans who have survived multiple deployments.

“Joe’s done two tours and is ready for his third,” said Chris Harris, Joe’s trainer. “Sea Lions will do some sick shit for free fish.”

The Navy was given a budget of $28 million a year for the project and cites the two animal’s sonar capabilities, intelligence, and willingness to kill for fish as reason for the project.

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