Memory: I've planned this evening for weeks. I made mom sew me the best superhero outfit ever. I wasn't just dressed like Iron Man- I WAS Iron Man. Mom gave me my special hollowed up pumpkin to put my treats in, and my friends came by dressed as Dracula and Fiona from “Adventure Time”. Timmy, who liked my fireman costume from last year so much, decided to go as a fireman himself this year. We strutted around the neighborhood like the kings of the block. Wherever we went people gave us free candy. And if they didn't we had permission to egg their house. Everyone told us how cute we looked, and by the end of the night I had more candy than I could eat, but mom couldn't tell me anything about not eating it all in one serving. It's truly the best of days.
Reality: I told mom I wanted a Captain America costume for weeks, but she kept putting it off. The day before Halloween the store ran out of everything, so she cut holes in an old trash can and called me Iron Man. Mom gave me a Macy's bag that still had a receipt for a bra in it, and I was on my way Trick or Treating. My friends were dressed as Dracula andFiona from “Adventure Time”. Timmy was wearing my old fireman costume from last year that my mom gave his mom because they were so poor. We walked across one side of the street because we weren't allowed to cross the road. Most houses gave us either a single M&M or some sort of health bar, than told us to scram. We tried egging their houses, but I accidentally took the bowl of hard boiled eggs mom left in the fridge. Mom let me have one M&M on cause of my diabetes.
Memory: Since no one in my high school threw a Halloween party this year, I decided to take my little brother out Trick or Treating and show him the ropes. I used to be the best Trick or Treater in town, and it was time to pass the torch. I quickly made a last minute Don Draper costume, , and we went out. First, I took my brother to the home of Stacy, the hottest girl in my school, so she could see what a good brother I am. She wasn't home, but her family left cookies on the porch, so my brother took some instead. I guess he ate too many because he got really tired, so we went home. He thanked me and told me he loved me, and then fell asleep.
Reality: Since I'm a total loser, and wasn't invited to any of the cool Halloween parties, mom made me take my brother out Trick or Treating. I agreed thinking I could at least steal a few of his candies. I quickly made a last minute costume of Moss from “The IT Crowd” using clothes I already owned, and we went out. The first house we walked by was Stacy's- the hottest girl in school. There was terrible noise coming from the house, like loud music and shouting. But when we knocked no one seemed to be home. Although I could swear I heard someone there saying “quiet, don't let them hear you”. Luckily there were some brownies left on the porch, so my brother took a couple. After he ate them he started to act really weird. He walked funny and started telling me he loved me. When we got home he puked his guts out and fell asleep on the toilet.
Memory: With the kids out trick or treating, My wife and I had the house to ourselves. We planned a nice romantic evening together. We wanted to watch a scary movie, thinking we could hold each other during the frightening parts, just like we did when we were young. But damn kids kept knocking on our door asking for treats. I gave them candy, but they just kept on asking for more, and explaining their stupid costumes to me. “I don't care that you're dressed like a doctor, I want to go back to holding my wife”! Eventually, after countless kids interrupted us, we shut off the movie and went to bed, where we were at least able to make sweet love before the kids came home.
Reality: With the kids out trick or treating, we finally had a quiet night in without children fighting and screaming. My wife put on a scary movie and held me. There was a knock on the door, so I went to open it and saw two of the hottest high school girls I've ever seen, dressed in the skimpiest outfits. I gave them some candy, and as I bent over to put it in their bags I got a good glimpse at their cleavage. I went back in to watch the movie, but another group of hot girls came by. I told my wife I'm just giving out some candy, and went on chatting with the girls. They wanted to leave, so I started asking them about their outfits. “Wait, tell me more about your sexy nurse costume, so I don't have to go back to watching a boring movie with my wife”. Eventually they got grossed out by me and left. I went back in, shut off the movie and took my wife to bed, where I made love to her, thinking about what I just saw on my doorstep. I was so quick that I finished way before the kids came home.
(Images Via: The Atlantic)