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Published December 13, 2012

 

We know very little about Jesus’ teenage years but a recent discovery of love notes in an old shoe box is giving insight to Jesus as a hormonal male in ancient times.
The box is painted pink with purple hearts taped to it and the words “Sarah and Jesus Forever” written in Hebrew on the top.
Historians are not sure who this Sarah is but speculate she was the first girl to begin developing in her class.
“We found an old high school year book which indicates Sarah had begun her pubescent development far above and beyond the other girls in her class,” Jerry George, a historian and archeologist at the dig said. “In short let’s just say she had moved beyond the training bra by fifth grade.”
The notes begin with a neatly written note to Jesus from Sarah asking if he thinks the two should date with a, “Yes”, “No” and “Maybe” circle option. Jesus circled “Yes” with a smiley face drawn beneath the circle.
The one thing the notes determine is Jesus was a love struck teenager much like most boys at the age of 14 but with a poetic flare.
“He wrote her many poems about his undying love for her,” George said.
One of the poems reads:
"I see you in the sunset
And in my eyes at night
With the wind you and me
Our love will last past this life
Into eternity
We're better together baby!"
The last poem he sent to Sarah is loosely translated below:
"Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
One day I’ll die on a cross
And it’ll be all for you"
This poem seems to be the one which brought on Sarah and Jesus’ breakup.
Sarah wrote in response to the poem, “What does that mean? You’ll die on a cross?!!! Seriously?!!! What does that mean?!!!!!! I think we should break up.”
Sarah then asks Jesus never to speak to her again.
“It’s clear Sarah was freaked out by the poem and who wouldn’t be? The cross wasn’t a nice symbol at the time and those who were crucified were mostly people condemned by the Romans,” George said. “It’s like telling a girl in today's world you’ll die by lethal injection for her.”
Though even with Sarah clearly wanting a break up, Jesus kept writing her more notes and poems.
“You are my everything. We can work this out baby. Just give me one more chance I promise I will never mention crucifixion again. I know I just mentioned it there again but that’s it. I’m done with it! I promise just come back to me,” Jesus wrote. “We’re better together!”
The next letter dabbles deeper into his depression and the denial of their breakup.
“My mother said I should give you a few more days to cool down. So I will. This will be the last note you’ll get from me, ever. The next move is all you,” Jesus wrote. “But seriously I love you. We should be together forever.”
It appears Jesus waited exactly one week before writing Sarah again.
“It’s been a week since I last wrote you. Where are you? Did my passenger pigeon bring it to the wrong house? Just respond to me so I know you’re alright,” Jesus wrote.
This time Sarah did respond with a letter of her own.
“Look Jesus, I got your letters and enough is enough. Stop wasting your time and mine. Get over it. I’ve moved on and am happily dating Peter. He’s the captain of the Gladiator Team and we’re getting married next month. I’ve moved on so should you,” Sarah wrote.
It was this note which brought Jesus out of his denial of their breakup and his anger began.
“You can really see Jesus go through the grieving stages within these notes as his next series of notes were very hateful and angry,” George said.
Jesus wrote his displeasure of Sarah and Peter.
“Fine date Peter. I hope the lions eat him,” Jesus said.
Jesus wrote more poems during this period riddle with swear words and vengeance. One of his tamer poems reads:
"You said you'd always be there
But now you're nowhere to be found
I can't believe you left me
I feel so low beneath the ground
Die bitch!"
The poem was written on paper with the words, “From the desktop of Jesus Christ” at the top.
“I would say with the amount of letters he wrote the whole relationship lasted around a month and the notes and poems that followed were all written within a six month time period,” George said.
Jesus eventually did move on with his last note reading, “Dearest Sarah, I am sorry for my past actions. I have found a new girl now named Mary (and no it’s not my mother). She is amazing and will love me forever unlike you. Once I ask her out we will have a deeper and more meaningful relationship than you and I ever had."
He goes on to describe Mary in detail using such adjectives as, “smart”, “beautiful”, “nice” and  “perky”.
He ends the letter with these final words, “So you see I’ve moved on and I can only hope you have too. Love, Jesus. P.S. I know you cheated on me with Peter, I will try and forgive you eventually but there are no guarantees.”
Sarah wrote back one more time after this note was received.
“Jesus I’m glad you moved on. Like I said before so have I. I am now pregnant with my first child and if you ever write to me again I will file for a restraining order. You’re beyond creepy and I will never love you. Also I’m sending all of your angry rants back to you. I would burn them but I feel you might find more pleasure in that,” Sarah wrote.
The full transcripts of Jesus and Sarah’s letters are set to be released next month.
“These letters are full of passion, hate and love,” George said. “It just goes to show a teenagers life is turbulent no matter what age, place or time you live in.”
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