fact about me… I possess an incredible knack for finding the negativity
within anything. I then proceed to bottle it up until it blossoms into a
pure hatred towards things. Here is some of the things that I find GAY…
(not the type of gay where dudes grab fistfuls of chest hair and bump tooshies,
but the type of gay like “that shit sucks, it’s unclassy, and lame”)
Printers – we have incredible inventions like panini makers, 4g
cell phones, and shamwows. But for some reason printer companies can’t
create a printer that doesn’t jam or suck 5 sheets at once.
State of the Union Address – Obama is responsible for increasing our national debt,
making a weak job market, and worst of all making me miss at least 2 episodes
of Modern Family, and several episodes of The Office. That reason alone
is why I won’t be voting in the next election…I don’t care if P Diddy will come
find me, slit my throat, and stuff my neck with cream cheese (in a classy way).
Talking on the phone with dudes - I absolutely hate talking on the phone.
Bros, If your calling just to chat, talk about your work day, or how good
it feels to rub honey on your thighs… Then expect me to ignore you for a
minimum of 3 consecutive business days after said call. Keep it to under
60 seconds if you expect me to pay attention, and refer to me as Dragon.
Asian lady drivers - Ok, so I do what every classy defensive driver
does; I leave roughly 1 1/2 – 2 car lengths between me and the car in
front of me. That doesn’t mean I’m letting you in you crazy little Asian
lady. Not only did you just cut me off, you failed to use a turn signal…
and you can rot in hell for not throwing a “courtesy wave”…not classy. I hope you poke
yourself in the eye with a chop stick while driving. (it could happen)
Windshield wiper speeds - Maybe I’m a little picky, but I find it really unclassy
if someone can’t choose the appropriate speed interval for their windshield
Sharing your drama on Facebook - I don’t like it when people share their
dirty laundry with the world via Facebook status — THAT SHIT BE SUPER UNCLASSY.
For Example: 1) Using sad song lyrics to show your ex you miss them or
are over them. 2) Ohhh em GEEEE, <insert drunk status to hurt your
enemy or ex>. 3) Going for a long walk to think about things
(like how my bf/gf is a penile monkey rapist). There is sooooo many
more, I can’t possibly go on. ** if you are a guy and you do this, email
me your address and I will be by tomorrow to revoke your “man-card”.
Joan Cusack — Don’t get me started.
Sportscenter Regurgitators - When a guy comes up to you in an unclassy
gay way, and tries to make you think he knows a lot about sports because
he can regurgitate information he heard on Sportscenter earlier in the
morning… Ex. ” Like Ohhh emmm Geee Bertrand, did you see Manny Ramirez
got suspended for keeping large amounts of semen in his locker without a permit???”
Bandwagon Fans – Around playoff/championship time, these
little fuckers start coming out of the woodwork ( I don’t really understand
what that saying means)… Ex. Superbowl XLVI comes around and it’s
Seattle Seahawks v. Cleveland Browns (my classy real-life prediction of the
worlds worst possible match up) and Mr. Bandwagon comes over “GUYS! I can’t
believe you guys didn’t know I was a die hard Browns fan! When I was 12 I
had a Cleveland Browns POG and have liked them ever since!”
“OH EM GEEEEEEEE, You’ve never heard of ____________ before?!?” - People who try too hard to show you how
cultured and smart they are by repeating the world and making it seem like they
knew about it forever… Super unclassy. Ex. ”OH EM GEEEEEEE, You’ve
never heard of snowballing semen into some other jabrones mouth??? ITS
11. If you haven’t picked up on it yet, I
hate when people say “OH EMMM GEEEEEE” .
I wish every time someone would say that, they would choke on a
butterfly… If that were the case, I’m pretty sure my boss’s feces would grow a
set of wings and fly away and pollinate the shit outta some daisies.