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April 12, 2011

Things that I would label Gay... Not the gay like "gripping fistfuls of male chest hair while playing the cello and eating pesto"... but the gay like "man that is waaay lame"

Fun fact about me… I possess an incredible knack for finding the negativity within anything.  I then proceed to bottle it up until it blossoms into a pure hatred towards things.  Here is some of the things that I find GAY… (not the type of gay where dudes grab fistfuls of chest hair and bump tooshies, but the type of gay like “that shit sucks, it’s unclassy, and lame”)

1. Printers – we have incredible inventions like panini makers, 4g cell phones, and shamwows.  But for some reason printer companies can’t create a printer that doesn’t jam or suck 5 sheets at once.

2. State of the Union Address – Obama is responsible for increasing our national debt, making a weak job market, and worst of all making me miss at least 2 episodes of Modern Family, and several episodes of The Office.  That reason alone is why I won’t be voting in the next election…I don’t care if P Diddy will come find me, slit my throat, and stuff my neck with cream cheese (in a classy way).

3. Talking on the phone with dudes - I absolutely hate talking on the phone.  Bros, If your calling just to chat, talk about your work day, or how good it feels to rub honey on your thighs… Then expect me to ignore you for a minimum of 3 consecutive business days after said call.  Keep it to under 60 seconds if you expect me to pay attention, and refer to me as Dragon.

4.  Asian lady drivers - Ok, so I do what every classy defensive driver does;  I leave roughly 1 1/2 – 2 car lengths between me and the car in front of me.  That doesn’t mean I’m letting you in you crazy little Asian lady.  Not only did you just cut me off, you failed to use a turn signal… and you can rot in hell for not throwing a “courtesy wave”…not classy.  I hope you poke yourself in the eye with a chop stick while driving.  (it could happen)

5. Windshield wiper speeds - Maybe I’m a little picky, but I find it really unclassy if someone can’t choose the appropriate speed interval for their windshield wipers.

6.  Sharing your drama on Facebook - I don’t like it when people share their dirty laundry with the world via Facebook status — THAT SHIT BE SUPER UNCLASSY.  For Example: 1) Using sad song lyrics to show your ex you miss them or are over them.  2) Ohhh em GEEEE, <insert drunk status to hurt your enemy or ex>.   3)  Going for a long walk to think about things (like how my bf/gf is a penile monkey rapist).   There is sooooo many more, I can’t possibly go on.  ** if you are a guy and you do this, email me your address and I will be by tomorrow to revoke your “man-card”.

7. Joan Cusack — Don’t get me started.

8. Sportscenter Regurgitators - When a guy comes up to you in an unclassy gay way, and tries to make you think he knows a lot  about sports because he can regurgitate information he heard on Sportscenter  earlier in the morning… Ex.  ” Like Ohhh emmm Geee Bertrand, did you see Manny Ramirez got suspended for keeping large amounts of semen in his locker without a permit???”

9. Bandwagon Fans – Around playoff/championship time, these little fuckers start coming out of the woodwork ( I don’t really understand what that saying means)…  Ex.  Superbowl XLVI comes around and it’s Seattle Seahawks v. Cleveland Browns (my classy real-life prediction of the worlds worst possible match up) and Mr. Bandwagon comes over “GUYS! I can’t believe you guys didn’t know I was a die hard Browns fan!  When I was 12 I had a Cleveland Browns POG and have liked them ever since!”

10. “OH EM GEEEEEEEE, You’ve never heard of ____________ before?!?” - People who try too hard to show you how cultured and smart they are by repeating the world and making it seem like they knew about it forever… Super unclassy.  Ex.  ”OH EM GEEEEEEE, You’ve never heard of snowballing semen into some other jabrones mouth??? ITS AHHH-MAZING!”

11. If you haven’t picked up on it yet,  I hate when people say “OH EMMM GEEEEEE” .  I wish every time someone would say that, they would choke on a butterfly… If that were the case, I’m pretty sure my boss’s feces would grow a set of wings and fly away and pollinate the shit outta some daisies.