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February 28, 2012

Women, our ability to reproduce is exactly why we shouldn't be able to make our own decisions about reproducing! Our hormones make us prone to mood swings, emotional outbursts and fuzzy thinking. Let's leave the tough decisions to the men!

The Republican Party has received a lot of criticism about their stance on women’s health issues. Some people are going so far as to say they are endangering the health and safety of American women. There are even rumors of wanting to shove us all into binders.

Personally, I would like to thank the Republicans. My ability to reproduce makes it very difficult for me to make decisions about reproducing. The ladies out there know what I'm talking about. PMS. Premenstrual syndrome symptoms include mood swings, constant chocolate cravings, tearfulness and most importantly confusion or fuzzy thinking. One time, right before my crimson wave arrived, I actually walked out of a 7-11 totally forgetting to pay for my Slurpee. I stole. Because of my period. If my clouded and confused pre-period brain could cause me to act so amorally, what else might I do? Clearly the Republicans are on to something.

During that time of the month I have been known to pull some real stunts. I wish the Republicans would also limit how much TV I could watch, for my good and the good of my unborn child. While I’m PMS-ing I tend to cry at State Farm commercials and watch endless hours of movies on the Lifetime Network. That can’t be good for family values. Trophy Wife? She’s No Angel? Holiday In Handcuffs? Somebody stop me, please!  

And my poor husband! He may as well be living with Cruella de Vil when my aunt flo is visiting. I sit on the couch demanding food and shouting things like "Why don't we have pickles?", "You don't understand, I'm over here bleeding to death!" and "If I weren't fat you would just say I'm not fat but because you won't answer me I know you think I'm fat!" It's no wonder the government has decided to get involved.

And after I have a baby I will be even less qualified to make decisions about my body. We’ve all heard of “mom brain”. After women have babies we become forgetful, scattered and obsessed with arts and crafts. Think about it people. Once we have children women start making Santa cookies, Easter Bunny baskets, and jack-o-lanterns. Pagan symbols! I don’t think I need to do the math for you on this one. It’s at this point that we must really look to men to be our moral compass. They aren’t bogged down with caring for the female body, the risks of pregnancy or the responsibility to incubate children inside of them. They can come and go as they please which makes them clear headed.

I think the women protesting the actions of the Republican Party are really just having angry outbursts due to their menstrual cycle.  Thankfully, some men and the few rational women left in the world have stepped forward to regulate decisions on personal and complex topics such as birth control and pregnancy. Whew! Thank God! I’m just gonna sit back, take some Midol and let them work it all out.