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Published October 08, 2008 More Info »
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Published October 08, 2008

The title sounds cheesy, right? Well, just read on and I can assure you that the scenario I am about to propose will test your resolve both mentally and physically. So don't be such a jerk. Jerk.

Having gone to three different weddings so far this summer, I started thinking about friendship. A common question that people ask themselves is what they would be willing to do for a friend? Now, the most widely known and cliché question people tend to think about true friendship is: Would you take a bullet for a friend?

I submit the following. A more bullshit question could not exist. No one in their right mind would take a bullet for anyone! Are you kidding me? That's a bullet! And you're a target. In a situation where a gun is pulled out, you've got two choices. This is referred to as the 'fight or flight response' and is present in all of us. When you see a gun, your options become narrowed down for you. You run. You run because what else are you gonna do? Stay around and try to fight the bullet? I repeat, THAT'S A FUCKING BULLET. The smart thing for everyone to do in that scenario is run and leave the slowest behind. It's like when you were kids and you used to race each other. "Loser gets a wet willie!" Well, it's the same thing here, except the loser gets fatal blood loss. So don't be a loser McFly.

The other dumb thing about that question is that it usually involves a scenario where people just have to react. There's no time to think or see the bullet coming and then make an informed decision about exactly how you should leap in front of it so as to minimize damage. And in what scenario would someone just fire one bullet at someone standing next to you? No no no, this is all wrong. It's a crap question.

I propose a better, more realistic question for you. It's one that I've put a lot of thought into, and it's one that you can think about and fully appreciate, especially if something like this ever happens to you. Here it is:

If your friend was being mauled by a bear, would you or would you not stick your thumb up that bears ass to stop the attack? Take some time and mull it over.

Now, the first question you're probably asking is "What kind of a sick fucking question is that?" What's wrong, are you afraid of how you might answer? Remember, this is your friend, and they're being mauled by an angry bear. You might also be thinking "This is a completely unrealistic scenario and there's no way to know for sure whether that tactic (however brilliant it might be) would actually work." Oh, you foolish mortals. It would absolutely work. And while I've never tried it personally, I can assure you that once I give you my reasoning, you might actually crap your pants in the face of it's magnificence.

Think about it. You sit down for a nice meal. You take a bite. You think everything is going swimmingly. Suddenly, a thumb is plunged knuckle deep into your pooper. What's your first thought? I can't say for sure, but I'm almost positive that it has nothing to do with hunger. A nice hearty meal is probably the last thing on your mind. Thus, your attention has successfully been turned to the perpetrator (or 'poopetrator' if you like shitty puns (I'll allow you a moment to soak in that awesome pun within a pun)).

Here's a list of FAQs that often accompany the whole bear/thumb/ass topic:
Q: What the fuck?
A: Just think about it. And don't be jealous because you didn't come up with it.

Q: What makes this the "perfect" scenario as you suggest?
A: Well, with the mauling bear/thumb in the ass scenario, you've really got some quality time to think about what this particular friendship means to you. Do I really like this person enough to insert my thumb into this bear's ass? Is there a scenario that exists where I would actually truly be okay with this? Plus, unlike with the bullet scenario, there's a possibility you don't die. And there's a 100% chance that you don't get hit with a bullet which is aces in my book!

Q: Why the thumb?
A: I'm glad you asked. The thumb is the only digit on your hand that's entrance into the bear's brown starfish would be unimpeded by any of your other fingers. It's what I like to call 'The Lone Enforcer.' Easy in, easy out my friends. It's that simple. 

Q: How did you get so handsome?
A: I'm actually getting a little tired of this question. It's a combination of things really. Genetics, work ethic, my ability to eat whole bags of candy in one sitting, male pattern baldness, etc. Just accept it.

So that's pretty much that. The next time you're hanging out with someone wondering if they're a true friend, just take the test. Ask yourself "Would I stick my thumb up a bear's ass to save this person?"

Friendship. It's got my thumbs up.

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