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June 25, 2013

Man Law Committee votes to revoke Edward Snowden's US Man Card


It seems these days that the news keeps getting worse and worse for Edward Snowden.


After fleeing to Russia in hopes to avoid extradition to the United States, America's most wanted taddle-tale has now been dealt perhaps his most devastating blow yet: a "Man-Ban." A final decision was handed down this morning after the Man Law Comittee completed a two-day deliberation on the Snowden case after a motion was brought forward to revoke Snowden's Man Card by respected comittee member Burt Reynolds last week. 


"It wasn't an easy decision to make," said Reynolds following deliberations. "But the ultimate question was, who are we as men to decide which secrets to reveal and which ones to not? How can any man in America lend the hand of friendship to Snowden at this point wondering who he'll taddle on next? How could you ever feel safe doing things like cheating on your wife, or skipping work to go fishing, with a guy like this around? We just can't take that chance. It's a huge national security issue."


While Snowden remains abroad, should he be extradited back to the US, or return of his own free will, his Man Card will be confiscated at customs immediately, even upon the dropping of any criminal charges by the US Government. 


Jerome Bettis, also a Man Law Chairman, commented on the case, "It's bigger than just Snowden. We have to set a standard for men everywhere. If one man can go snitch on the president, the most powerful man in the free world, and move forward without consequence, what would it mean for the rest of society? I feel for the guy, because he seems to think he was doing the right thing. But we have to draw the line."


Edward Snowden has received some domestic support however, as the Church of Scientology has publicly offered Snowden automatic membership should his Man-Card be revoked upon entering the country.