1) Ants On Half A Cookie Are Not Particularly Frightening
First of all, fuck you Sam for not finishing that cookie. I’ve already elaborated at great length on how rare cookies are in this zombie world. Rarity aside, it’s a cookie, not the extended edition of Lord Of The Rings. Take three seconds out from making shitty art and invest the minimal time required to finish this extremely doable project. Second, this image of ants crawling over a cookie is not particularly frightening. Yes, I get that it’s a metaphor for the walkers. A painfully heavy-handed metaphor (they think we’re dumb). But we’ve all got ants! Not that scary. Definitely not some shit worth cueing the theme music over. I left a finished plate of Thanksgiving leftovers next to my bed and took a nap yesterday. When I woke up, there were ants crawling all over my gravy scraps. Didn’t freak me out; I just put it in the sink. Some say the plate is there to this day. Please don’t tell anyone how I live. I’m a work in progress.
2) CGI Balloons Are Back!
The worst CGI balloons in the history of CGI and also balloons are back. They got all none of our letters! Thanks for making sure this compelling and dynamic character made a return. I just want to point out that there are several residents of Alexandria who have had less screen time and character development than these computer generated balloons. What a time to be alive.
Squad! The squad is all together! Fully squaded up. And like any squad, you’ve got some fake-ass friends in the mix. Father Gabriel and Ron specifically. Why must there always be fake friends in the squad? Take some time out of the day and make a list of all the fake friends in your squad. Contact them to let them know they have 48 hours to remove themselves from the squad with dignity or be ousted publicly with shame. 2016 is going to be a big year; you don’t need snakes and charlatans in your winner’s circle.
4) Glenn’s Pregnant Wife Excuse
The biggest perk of having kids as far as I can tell is you have a constant excuse to get out of anything. Love how quickly Glenn has embraced dropping his pregnant wife. Good for you, Glenn. I do the same thing with Jewish holidays to leave work at noon. It’s been Passover three times so far this year. I suspect my boss is on to me but genuinely doesn’t know enough about Judaism to call me out on it. Whatever, I don’t think he reads these.
5) Rick Grimes: Master Locksmith
Doors? Where we’re going, we don’t need doors! Eugene isn’t the only character with lock picking in his skill set. Look at Rick delicately circumvent this lock with a hatchet. Has he been hiding that hatchet in his back pocket this whole time? Sure. Why not. Rick Grimes: calling shots and hiding hatchets since 2010. Catch the action, motherfuckers.
6) Why Did Carl Cover For Ron?
Why did Carl cover for Ron? Stupid. That was a stupid move, Carl! Compassion is great and all but Ron just tried to kill you and let 500 zombies in the house! As this Redditor points out, Ron was just continuing his father’s work of trying to get his whole family killed. Wait, did Carl cover for Ron just so he could tell him his dead dad was an asshole? Damn, Carl. Savage. First likable thing you’ve done in the history of this whole show! Please, more stuff like this and less goofy hat; fans might just stop wishing death upon you.
7) Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s A Zombie
Deanna, I know your mind is occupied with drawing on Olive Garden placemats and getting bit by zombies, but try and understand that this is not an optimal moment to get some face time with Judith. She’s a baby and won’t remember you so there’s really no need to say goodbye. All you’re doing is greatly increasing the odds that she gets bitten by a zombie. Also, this is a great way to catch a hatchet in your skull.
Rick is on some “hatchet first, ask questions never” shit these days. Anyone can get it! Hatchet is probably my favorite character on this show. So compelling and dynamic and you just never know when hatchet will pop up. The Emmy race for best supporting hatchet is official underway and I think we all know who’s taking it home this year.
8) TFW Someone Compliments Your Beard
Oh, man. Rick’s face when Deanna mentions his beard-growing capability. Classic. Now that is what I call acting! Really shitty acting, but it’s still definitely acting. That’s the fun thing about acting as a job, you just show up and try your best and they cut you a big check no matter what. It doesn’t work like that at Best Buy. You have to sell TV’s and blenders and answer questions about Xbox or it’s your ass.
9) Carol Thinks She’s Slick
Carol thinks she’s slick with this very obvious act. She’s like that friend at a house party who pretends to pass out with everyone else, then drives drunk solo to Jack In The Box at 4 a.m. for tacos and a spicy chicken sandwich. I don’t condone that type of irresponsible behavior, Carol! Take an Uber or use Zombie Postmates. Get it together! Kids watch this show. Set a better example.
10) Aux Cord Privileges Revoked
Aux cord privileges REVOKED you creepy bastard. Ugh. THE WORST. Maybe you wouldn’t be so terrified all the time if your hobbies weren’t solely limited to ghostcore records and having an awful haircut. Did you not hear your mom’s very clear instructions to turn off the music? You had one job, Sam! And if you’re going to listen to music, set a vibe! Now put on some Kendrick and cover yourself in zombie guts. THEEESE GUUUTS AINNN’T FREEEE, SAM! These guts ain’t free.
11) God Dammit, Morgan
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, MORGAN! GOD DAMN! I KEEP TELLING YOU THAT THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR WILL GET PEOPLE HURT AND I HAVE BEEN RIGHT EVERY TIME! Let Carol do what Carol does best: Violent murder without hesitation. Some people were born to run marathons. Some people are on this Earth to make children smile. Carol is here to stack bodies and wear sweaters at the same damn time. Get out of her way before something terrible happens.
Oh, look! I was right. That didn’t take long. At least he only has a knife and the rest of the gang has guns. That definitely puts him at a strategic disadvant—
Shit. Also: Did anyone else say, “Aww,” when Eugene slid his machete over? So cute. He specifically asked for guns! That’s not a gun, Eugene. For a character so perpetually hung up on linguistic semantics, you’d think he would’ve held onto that thing. Anyway, see you never, Doctor Lady! It was bland knowing you. There is zero fucking chance she’s making it out of s06e09 alive.
12) They’re Holding Hands Like It’s Coachella At Night
This brings me back. Everybody hang tight! Hold hands, we’re going from the main stage to the Sahara Tent and half of our phones are dead. No man left behind! Squeeze twice if you need to stop for a bathroom break! Someone pass Tyrone a water bottle, he’s not looking so hot. Wait. Did Sam REALLY just call out for his mom?!? Is Sam completely unfamiliar with the concept of being quiet? Did he miss school the day they covered shutting the fuck up? Can’t believe I have to wait until February to see the thrilling conclusion where Judith pops out of her bjorn made of zombie blood and bitch smacks some sense into this child.
13) But Wait, There’s More!
In case you didn’t have the saint-like patience to wade through 15 minutes of Into The Badlands to see the post-credits scene (Eat a zombie dick, AMC. This is a super shitty marketing strategy to acquire viewership for your new show.), here it is.
Did I call this a week ago? Like literally down to the exact second? Yeah, but I’ve been watching this show for five-and-a-half seasons so it wasn’t exactly hard to do. Only question I have, along with every other single person who watches, is WHY DID ABRAHAM NOT USE HIS ROCKET LAUNCHER ON THESE FOOLS? Perfect opportunity to use the rocket launcher! Tune in February! Will Negan turn out to be a totally friendly dude? I think so! Got a real good feeling about him. Has Tabitha the goat been alive this whole time, waiting to make her triumphant return? The fans seem to agree it’s a very likely possibility. Will I continue writing these incredibly petty recaps? As long as this show is still on the air and you guys continue to get in arguments in the Facebook comments (I read all of them), absofuckinglutely. I’m going to miss you guys until then! Now go watch The Knick, it’s out of control good this season and I’m concerned it won’t get picked up if the ratings don’t improve. Bye!