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June 05, 2017

Eye carumba! 16 of the most ridiculous things from part one of last night's 'Fear The Walking Dead' season 3 premiere S03E01 "Eye of the Beholder"

Previously on The Most Ridiculous Things From Last Night’s Fear The Walking Dead…

1) Madison Wants You To Stop Fighting Or She’ll Turn This Hostage March Around

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Aaaaaaaaand. Weeeeeee. ARRRRREEEEEE. BACK! Speaking of back, they better simmer down in the back of the line or Madison will turn this hostage march around! Wait, that’s a pretty good idea. Maybe turn this march around? It would appear you’re all going to die very soon if you don’t put this march down, flip it and reverse it.

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I do NOT have a great feeling about this place. It looks like a bomb exploded on the lawn of the world’s biggest zombie frat house. Also, should I know what’s going on right now? Because I have no idea what’s going on right now. I re-read all my recaps from last season to prepare (OK, I’m lying, I looked at the pictures and skimmed most of the headlines) and I am completely lost.

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Look! A wild heroin junkie appears! The gang’s all back together. I still don’t have a great feeling about this. My feeling somehow just got worse.

2) …Chris?

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“Chris? Oh, riiiiight. Chris. Well, he pulled a Lori back on the open highway and we haven’t stopped partying since. Actually, we stopped partying just long enough to get captured. Knew we shouldn’t have stopped partying! God dammit, Chris. This is all your fault.”

3) Tea Time

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I don’t know about you, but when a jittery stranger in an ill-fitting military jumpsuit with no credentials bursts into the room where he’s holding me captive and offers me some hot water talking about, “This is just how my mom used to make the hot water. Extra hot for momma!” I don’t ask questions. I just guzzle momma’s hot water.

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Wait. His name is Troy? I barely just learned Hero Dad’s name (Traveth?) and now you’re introducing a new character with a name that ALSO STARTS WITH A TR? How long are these writing meetings? Because I feel like everyone shows up at noon, stares at a board for an hour that just says, “His name starts with Tr…?” then they break for lunch and call it a day at 2:15pm. Sounds fucking awesome, let me know where I can sign up.

4) Nothing Good Ever Happens When A Dude Who Looks Like This Asks If You’re Mexican

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Travis. Be on high alert. Nothing good is about to happen when a dude like this asks if you’re Mexican. He’s not about to ask you for recommendations on an authentic local tamale place.

5) Alicia’s Boot Knife Is My New Favorite Character

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I like that Madison and Alicia can’t crack the case of why this weird dude is being super nice to them and offering free drinks. I’m pretty sure creeps with less than noble intentions were pulling this move before the zombie apocalypse. I guess what I’m trying to say is Alicia’s Boot Knife is my new favorite character. Alicia’s Boot Knife (a fan favorite from the comics) is bold. But I think what’s way more important, and this is just my opinion, would have to be the fact that ABK (short for Alicia’s Boot Knife) is also compelling. And that bold + compelling combo is what makes A to the B to the K an extremely dynamic character. Can’t wait to see what Alicia’s Boot Knife (long for ABK) gets into this season!

6) Whisper Pacts With Strangers About Tunnels Are The Best Kind Of Pacts

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I don’t know about you, but when I’m being held hostage watching people get capped in the chest two at a time and a stranger next to me wants to make a whisper pact talking about, “Let’s take the army tunnels to the drug tunnels and we’ll be in Mexico in no time!” I don’t ask questions. I just make the pact with this mysterious Whisper Mister and start planning my Mexican vacay.

7) Sketchy Troy

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“That’s right, Troy. I want you to scribble notes about me like one of your French zombies.” What’s Troy’s endgame here? Does he think Madison will wake up from her nap in the world’s most uncomfortable middle school library chair and be totally stoked about the horny fan fiction he’s written about her? This fan fiction sucks, Troy! It’s 100% about having sex on an uncomfortable chair, I don’t know how anyone is supposed to get horny reading this. I guess he’s just going to double down on his strategy to avoid eye contact when he’s clearly lying and offering drinks nobody asked for and hope it pays off.

8) It Actually Makes Sense There Would Be Guys This Horny And Weird In The Zombie Apocalypse Because They Definitely Exist Now

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I think I’ve been too hard on Troy. Is he literally so horny and awkward that it’s causing his body to rattle around his clothes that are way too big for him? Absolutely. But there are a lot of dudes like that in real life just doing their best, buying girls drinks or writing words in the desperate attempt of getting naked with another human. That was actually me between the ages of 21 – 24. The fact that I wasn’t killing innocent people and gambling on it makes me feel like I was actually doing pretty well.

9) The Not So Great Escape

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This plan is SO good! Perfect plan! Way to make this one shot at freedom count. Hero Dad gets instantly cornered and charges a bunch of dudes with guns. A+ work. Nick and his girlfriend (Travetha?) make their way to the tunnel entrance with Whisper Mister only to promptly get him killed before he can enter the tunnel he told them about. At least the gang hasn’t burned this whole place to the ground yet, their usual go to move for a smooth departure.

10) ¡Eye Carumba!

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Eye spy with my little eye A MOTHERFUCKING SPOON! AHHHHHHH! Hey, Madison. If society ever un-crumbles I think you have a promising career working at Baskin’ Noggins! Because you really know your way around an eye scooper. Did that joke work? I wrote “Baskin’ Noggins” in my notes last night. I felt really clever at the time, but in writing it, I feel like an asshole. Sound off in the comments about your opinion on the Baskin’ Noggins joke. I read all your comments and the fate of future Baskin’ Noggins jokes is now in your hands.

11) They’re Gambling On Hero Gladiator Dad

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I’m beginning to think these guys have a SERIOUS problem. They’re gambling on everything! But way more concerning is the fact that they appear to be wagering money, something that’s completely useless now. It would make more sense to bet 20,000 Friendship Dollars. Friendship Dollars are redeemable for rides to the airport and moving a couch up a flight of stairs! They’re as good as gold!

12) Madison’s Spoongotiation

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Madison. You are currently surrounded by people with guns and you have a spoon. I did not go to any fancy spoon college, and never got a degree in silverware, but it doesn’t take someone with a PhD in cutlery to know that even the sharpest and most deadly of spoon (which I think is technically a knife at that point?) is still no match for thirty guns. Probably a good idea to surrender.

13) Travis Just Killed All Those Zombies And They Didn’t Show Any Of It

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So Travis just killed ALL those zombies they unleashed and didn’t get bit once? REALLY?!? Wow! Pretty impressive. I wish there was some way to know how it went down. If only they had some cameras lying around to record such a thing and a distribution platform, perhaps cable television, to display the moving images. Maybe one day. Maybe. One. Day.

14) Troy Nye: The Murder Guy

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What, exactly, did you learn Troy? That people who die come back as zombies? And some of them turn faster than others? Fascinating! You’re basically Zombie Albert Einstein with these breakthroughs, the apocalypse will never be the same. Is anyone else getting kind of a The Keepers vibe from Troy? I’m watching The Keepers right now on Netflix. It’s awesome. I guess what I’m trying to say is if this show doesn’t work out for Troy, he can definitely have a promising arc on The Keepers being a piece of shit and doing unspeakable things to innocent humans.

15) The Most Preventable Death In History

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I don’t know about you, but when I see a dark corridor with flickering fluorescent lights and an ominous thud coming from within the walls, I get real close to the thud, then remove the vent on the wall to make sure there’s nothing standing between me and the aforementioned thud, and let rats rain down upon me.

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HOW WAS THIS EXPERIENCE NOT ENOUGH TO SEND MY GUY RUNNING FOR HIS GOSH DANG LIFE?!? Instead, he just stands there and tap dances on some rodents and investigates the hole further only to find a zombie that is so eager to chew his face and pull him into the hole he opened up in the first place.

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That was pretty cool. As angry as his stupidity makes me, getting sucked into a wall hole was rad. I don’t know whether to feel happy or angry which is more or less par for the course for 2017.

16) The Gang’s Back Together! Time For The Gang To Split Up

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The gang JUST got back together! Now they’re splitting up. And half of the gang is escaping with the one-eyed killer who is the worst. I know he’s screaming that we’re heading to a safe place, but something about the blood pouring from his eyehole does not make me feel very safe. Whatever, let’s gas up the choppers and get out of here! I’m glad the mission to fuel the helicopters was such a success! Time to use all the fuel they just got to get back home. Yet another perfect plan. TUNE IN FOR THE SECOND HALF OF THIS RECAP LATER TODAY OR POSSIBLY TOMORROW! There was a second episode that aired last night and I’m going to write a recap for it! But I have a bunch of other stuff to do, so it might be coming later today or it might be coming tomorrow! THE SUSPENSE I AM SURE IS KILLING YOU. None of this and more on S03E02 of Fear The Walking Dead!