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November 15, 2011

There is such a thing as being TOO straight.

Look, I support straight people. I mean, not even because it’s like a popular thing right now. I legitimately think straight people deserve rights. But, like, I need to get this off my chest. I’ve got this straight friend, we’ll call him Greg, and he is just SOOOOO straight.

Like, seriously, it’s just frustrating. Every time I’m in a car with Greg, he cranks up Slayer and doesn’t say anything while we drive. And any time we’re in public, Greg won’t shut up about this girl’s butt or that girl’s tits.

Sometimes when we go to the gym, Greg will purposely work out next to a girl just to try and get her attention. It’s disgusting.

Any time someone starts talking about clothes or cooking or interior design, Greg is like, “Who cares?” But the mere mention of the word ‘basketball’ and he won’t shut up about the Knicks. Like seriously, be more of a stereotype Greg!

He legitimately flaunts his girlfriend too. Like, we’ll be out with both of them, and he’ll just kiss her on the cheek, hold her hand, tell her he loves her. Look, I support straight people, but do I need to see that?

And his voice is so straight too. Like, it’s deep and bassy. When he gets angry, it just gets even lower and then he just says, “dude.” What is this, a Budweiser commercial?

I know this isn’t politically correct of me. But maybe we’re just being too sensitive. I mean, there is such a thing as being TOO straight.