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Published September 03, 2013 More Info »
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Published September 03, 2013

Hula Burger

 

I have a friend who's had about 200 jobs. He's left some, and he's gotten fired from some. I'm sure you know the type. He's always quick to tell you, "Yeah--I've been fired a lot. But it's not really me. I just don't want to deal with someone else's bullshit."

He worked at a restaurant once. I ate there during his first day on the job. He served the table next to mine. There was a 40 year old guy sitting there. And he said, "I'll have the hula burger." [Waiter:] "Do you want fries or onion rings with that?" [Customer:] "Neither. Just a hula burger." [Waiter:] "Well, the hula burger comes with fries or onion rings." [Customer:] "Yeah--I don't want fries or onion rings." [Waiter:] "They're free, though. They come with the hula burger you order." [Customer:] "Yeah, well--I don't want fries or onion rings. I'll just have the hula burger." [Waiter:] "Right. But I'm just saying you're paying $9 for the hula burger--and it comes with fries or onion rings. For free." [Customer:] "Well, I'm just saying I want a hula burger with no fries or onion rings. I want to pay the $9 and I just want the hula burger. That's fine. It's not about the money." [Waiter:] "OK. ... But just so you know, our fries were named best in the entire city." [Customer:] "I don't want fries. OK?" [Waiter:] "So if I were to go to your home tomorrow and offer you free fries or free onion rings, you'd say no?" [Customer:] "Yes--that's exactly what I'd say." [Waiter:] "How about pizza? What if I were to offer you free pizza? Would you say no to that, too?" [Customer:] "Well, I'd consider eating the pizza. But right now I'm ordering a hula burger. OK?" [Waiter:] "OK. A hula burger. No fries and no onion rings. ... Why are fries and onion rings so off limits? Are they too low in protein? Is that it?" [Customer:] "Listen--I just don't want fries or onion rings. I don't like them. I don't eat them. Alright? I hope that explanation is satisfactory." [Waiter:] "OK. One hula burger." [Customer:] "I also want a bowl of fried rice." [Waiter:] "Whoah. Hold the phone here. Fried rice?" [Customer:] "Yeah." [Waiter:] "Um... we can't give you rice as a substitute for fries or onion rings." [Customer:] I don't want it as a substitute. I'm ordering a hula burger, and I'm ordering a side of fried rice." [Waiter:] "OK. But you know the fries and onion rings are free, right?" [Customer:] "Yes--I know. Because it says that on the menu, and because you've unnecessarily repeated that to me five times already." [Waiter:] "Alright. A hula burger and fried rice. That's your order. ... What if I were to offer you a free stuffed animal? I'm just curious as to what types of free items you'd turn down. Would you take the stuffed animal?" [Customer:] "No." [Waiter:] "How about a free hundred dollar bill? Would you at least take that?" [Customer:] "I suppose I would." [Waiter:] "Are you married?" [Customer:] "Well, not that it's any of your damn business, but yes--I'm married." [Waiter:] "What does your wife think of fries? Is she anti-fries like you? Or is she a fan of fries?" [Customer:] "Well--I wouldn't say she's a fan of them. But she does eat fries every once in a while." [Waiter:] "But you don't want to just accept a side of fries and take them home to your wife? Is it because they won't be fresh? Or is it because your wife is overweight?" [Customer:] "She's not overweight--and I don't want to talk about fries anymore." [Waiter:] "OK, sir. I'll go fetch your hula burger and fried rice as soon as possible."

And of course, my friend wrote down the order as "Hula burger with fries and onion rings. BOTH." Then he went to the kitchen and told the chef, "A Hula burger with fries and onion rings. Half and half. The guy wants both. Make sure you give him both."

And he brought back the order seven minutes later. [Customer:] "Why the hell are there fries and onion rings on this plate?" [Waiter:] "The hula burger comes with a free side order of fries and/or onion rings." [Customer:] "I told you not to give me fries or onion rings. You gave me both." [Waiter:] "It might've been some oversight in the system. It's OK. It's no big deal. The hula burger's there. And then we gave you some fries and onion rings for free. If you want to just give them to that homeless person standing out there, you can do that." [Customer:] "Did I or did I not tell you I didn't want fries or onion rings?" [Waiter:] "Sir--just don't eat the fries or onion rings. The hula burger's still there." [Customer:] "No--you don't understand. The fries and onion rings are touching the hula burger!" [Waiter:] "Um--would you mind repeating that?" [Customer:] "They're touching. The fries and onion rings are touching the burger, asshole!" [Waiter:] "Listen. A lot of things touch a lot of other things. You know. That's the nature of the universe. If you touch a door handle, it's been touched by a lot of things, too. I mean, it's not the end of the world." [Customer:] "No--I can't eat this! I can't eat a hula burger that's been touched by fries and onion rings. That's why I ordered a hula burger with no fries and no onion rings. I put in an order. Do you understand what that means? An order. You work here at a restaurant. You get paid to take people's orders. I gave you my order. You took my order. And then you were supposed to bring me what I ordered." [Waiter:] "I did. I brought you the hula burger you ordered. Along with free fries and onion rings that you can just leave there on the plate." [Customer:] "I ordered a hula burger. That's it." [Waiter:] "Sir--the fries and onion rings are free!" [Customer:] "I can't eat the hula burger anymore!" [Waiter:] "I don't see what the big deal is. Just don't eat the fries and onion rings. The fries and onion rings don't take away from the hulaness or the burgerness of the hula burger. Eat the hula burger. It's a hula burger." [Customer:] "You don't see what the big deal is? Let me put it this way. What would happen if a Jew ordered a hamburger, and you came back with a bacon cheeseburger? Would it be no big deal to him? Would he just remove the cheese and bacon?" [Waiter:] "Yeah--but the thing is, you're not a Jew who keeps kosher. You're a lunatic who's unwilling to eat a hula burger that's been touched by fries or onion rings." [Customer:] "You're a lunatic who's unwilling to fulfill the basic requirements of his job, and bring me the hula burger I ordered. And where the hell is my side of fried rice, motherfucker?" [Waiter:] "Well, since I brought you the side of fries and onion rings, I cancelled the rice. I took the liberty of deleting that item. I saved you $3. You don't have to pay for the rice anymore. We also have free bread. Bread is kind of like rice." [Customer:] "Who told you to cancel anything?" [Waiter:] "Dude--the fries and onions rings are free. They come with the hula burger. And who the fuck eats fried rice with a hula burger, anyways?" [Customer:] "Bring your manager over here." [Waiter:] "Uh..." [Customer:] "Bring your damn manager!"

The manager heard the guy shouting, and walked over. [Manager:] "What seems to be the problem?" [Customer:] "This guy right here. He's the problem. Just in general--I'd imagine. I ordered a hula burger--no fries, no onion rings. I said I didn't want a free side order on my plate. The second that got out my mouth, he vetoed my order. I put in the same order again. He vetoed it again. He started talking about stuffed animals, and my wife's weight. I put in my order yet again. He said OK. And then he came back with a hula burger, fries, and onion rings." Then the manager asked my friend, "Why did you veto his order, and then bring him fries and onion rings?" [Waiter:] "Come on, Bob. This is ridiculous." [Manager:] "Why are you calling me Bob? It's Mr. Smith." [Waiter:] "Oh, excuse me--Mr. Smith. Should I also give you a hula burger with no fries touching it? Do you have OCD, too--like this lunatic?" [Manager:] "How come you didn't give this customer what he ordered?" [Waiter:] "I'm a waiter. I don't get why I have to jump through crazy hoops just because some customer has OCD. I'm not a psychologist. I'm making minimum wage." [Manager:] "You want to know why you're making minimum wage? Because you get tips in addition to that minimum wage. And if you actually give people what they ask for, you get good tips. And you also keep your job. You're fired." [Waiter:] "Come on, Bob. I need this job." [Manager:] "You're fired." [Waiter:] "OK. Well, you owe me an hour and 37 minutes of minimum wage for the work I put in today." [Manager:] "Take off your apron and get the fuck out of here." [Waiter:] "Well, I'm just saying you owe me $6.37 times, um, I think, 1.54. You owe me that much money." [Manager:] "OK. We have your address. We'll send you your paycheck." [Waiter:] "I'm not leaving until I get my money."

 

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