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December 18, 2016

A Disney Films email has leaked onto the internet revealing a secret list of Star Wars movies to be released until 2030!


* Internal Email - For Film Executives Eyes Only!*

Hi all,

As discussed during our board meeting last Wednesday, here is my written summary of the planned Star Wars films to be released every year until 2030.

2017: Star Wars Episode VIII – Our next adventure in the film series picks up where the Force Awakens left off.

Note: after all the hoopla of the Force Awakens being a “rip off” of earlier films we have to reassure the fans that this won’t be a rehash of the Empire Strikes Back.

Additional Note: Can someone please brainstorm an alternative type of terrain to replace snow for the beginning battle scene in this movie featuring the AT-AT’s and Snowspeeders? Australian Outback maybe?

2018: Han Solo Anthology – A film about the dashing adventures of a young Han Solo. This movie will explain how he met Chewie, how he became friends with Chewie, how he met Lando, how he won the Millennium Falcon in a bet against Lando, how he met Jabba the Hutt, how he got on Jabba’s bad side, how he met Greedo, and how he got away from Greedo whilst also unwittingly making the Kessel Run in 12 Parsecs. It’s going to be great!

Note: any other references I missed?

2019: Star Wars Episode IX – The final movie in our planned three part saga. The script is about 60% finished. JJ reckons we should change the plot to our heroes having to find a way to destroy the evil Empire’s 12 new death stars before they annihilate the entire galaxy. JJ’s story line sounded fantastic and original.

2020: Boba Fett Anthology – Jane, you had difficulty remembering who this character was?? Do you recall that cool looking Bounty Hunter in the green armor who was in the Empire Strikes Back for 4 minutes and was also at the beginning of Return of the Jedi for 4 minutes before a blind Han Solo accidentally hit his rocket booster and caused him to fly into that pit to be swallowed by that tentacle monster? Well this is that guy, and this is going to be his awesome 2 hour long action movie.

2021: Droids – The bumbling comedic adventures of R2D2, C3PO and that annoying ball shaped droid from the Force Awakens who unwittingly end up lost half way across the galaxy and attempt to find their way home.

Note: Can we get Steve to convert the ‘Homeward Bound’ script to space and droids instead of cutesy animals?

Additional Note: Simon Pegg says we should show R2 and C3PO’s gay relationship on screen and have them adopt a baby at the end? What do you think Charles?– this could win us over with the progressive types?

2022: Lando – The story of how a young Lando Calrissian becomes a ‘mother f**kin gangsta’, releases a hit gangsta rap album, starts up a cocaine crime empire, battles an evil ‘Suge Knight-type-Alien’, then ultimately redeems himself to become a peaceful and pimpin’ governor of Cloud City.

Note: Alonzo, my brother from another mother, I love your idea for this one!

2023: Vader – I know you all enjoyed that end scene of ‘Rogue One’ where Vader went postal and slaughtered like 10 rebel soldiers. The fans absolutely ate that stuff up in the cinema. Well the idea for this movie is just 100 minutes of Vader killing random people on the street and going apeshit with the Force. “For what reason exactly?” I can hear you say Charles… You probably enjoyed the Force Awakens Charles, the ‘story’ isn’t important anymore you Jackass LOL

2024: The Power of the Force : Discover the amazing origin story of how Han and Chewie managed to buy the hologram chess table for the Millennium Falcon for $12.98 at their local space flea market or something. I have no idea what this one could be about. Just think of something cool.

2025: Weekend at Solo’s : Taking place chronologically straight after the events of The Force Awakens this hilarious comedy is made in the fashion of ‘A Weekend at Bernie’s’ and features Han Solo’s fresh corpse attached to ropes and pulleys operated by the lovable Chewbacca.

Note: I swear you won’t be able to tell if Harrison Ford is acting or is really dead.

2026: Jabba the Hutt’s Weight Loss Workout Video : Watch Jabba go from obese fat slug to skinny green snake in this world first theatrical release of a 2-hour-long workout Star Wars video.

Note: Could we get Carrie in on this maybe?

2027: Star Wars 1986: Han and Chewie discover a wormhole in space which accidentally transports them to San Francisco, Earth in 1986 where they must save the whales of earth from being hunted to extinction. Hilarity ensues in this rip roaring ‘fish out water’ comedy.

Note: JJ suggested this original idea. Can we please see if he’s available to direct?

Additional Note: Charles, remember how you suggested that Mr Lucas cameo as the whale? Load up your harpoon canon baby.

2028: Star Wars Episode X – Because the clueless fans will probably demand it, and why not? We need to sell way more merchandise anyway to cover Disney’s purchase of Lucasfilm…

Can someone please think of an original plot device to blow up a planet like a ‘giant space laser gun’ or ‘kamikaze atomic Sith ship’ or something? God, I’m just running out of ideas here! I spent like a good 10 minutes in the shower last night in my “special brainstorming” time and I seriously could not think of another original way to blow up a planet…

2029: Blue Milk – This mockumentary style comedy explains how part-farmer-part-adoptive-mother Aunt Beru discovers the secret formula for Blue Milk and becomes a TV chef sensation overnight.

Charles suggested Ricky Gervais as Uncle Owen and Keira Knightley as Aunt Beru. Alonzo suggested Eddie Murphy as Uncle Owen and Queen Latifah as Aunt Beru (it could work).

2030: Star Wars: the Clip Show – I think we all ran out of ideas at this stage and ordered Chinese Food. Let’s just create a 2 hour long movie full of your favorite Star Wars clips. What do you think Charles?