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October 29, 2010

My kissing booth hasn't been making any money at the county fair. I thought that might be the case, so I planned to also sell fresh local German-style wieners. I'm right behind the Aqua Quip hot tub exhibit, under the "Wieners N' Kisses" sign. I optimistically cook over two hundred wieners at the beginning of the day, most of which I end up eating because their internal temperature drops and the skin starts to shrivel. No one ever buys those ones.

To be honest, I've only had one paying customer so far, and they were so upset by me not supplying buns or any condiments, that they started a small protest in front of my booth space. The leader, and only member of the rally, was a portly woman wearing a light grey triple-XL "2 Fast 2 Furious" t-shirt. She won a light brown stuffed monkey with long arms at a ham-tossing exhibit, and used its Velcro palms to fasten the arms around her neck. She also tucked her stomach into her pants...

When big stomachs get tucked into pants, the waistline of the pants slices into the stomach, therefore creating a gut-smile slice. Her situation was no different. However, while standing still, a shadow was cast from the boundless crevasse that was her belly button to form a rare whistling-gut-smile slice on her midsection. While marching around, barking out non-Wieners N' Kisses rally rhymes, the whistling-gut-smile slice appeared to yell along with its owner, which was frightening. 

During the protest, a short rainfall unfortunately moistened her t-shirt, and transformed what was once a reasonably loose-fitting piece of clothing, into a wet tissue draped over an anatomical travesty. The symmetrical lumpiness between her neck and waist now looked like the face of Carol from "Where the Wild Things Are".

To power her protest, she created a couple of double-sided handwritten signs, that read: "They don't get much meaner than this wiener-selling wiener!", "You'll never find a Misses if you sell 'Wieners N' Kisses'!", "An ugly hag, with a single tooth, would never pay for a kiss at this booth!", and "This guy is a piece of crap!".

I told her numerous times that I sell wieners and kisses (hence, "Wieners N' Kisses"), I don't sell wieners and kisses, along with a bunch of other topical creams and baked goods. If you randomly want sauce and buns, think ahead, bring your own.

I was able to resolve the situation by buying her some elephant ears and a tall blueberry Italian soda. This created even more problems when she felt inclined to jump into the front seat of a small roller coaster and blanket a two-hundred foot radius with the contents of my apologetic gesture, most of which was directed at the electrical panel, and consequently fried the most expensive component of a $175k amusement ride.

In my opinion, I priced out the kisses fairly. I tried to create a niche market by branding the kisses for only kids and pets, with a phrase painted on the front of my booth: "None for you, ladies! These lips are meant for pets and babies!". Everyone is doing kissing booths for all ages nowadays. In business, it is better to be really good at one thing, than to be mediocre at a lot of things, and I chose to be really good at this one thing.

Unfortunately, the only other people publicly kissing pets and babies exclusively right now are the President of the United States, and rapists. Now that I think about that point, do you ever see the President and a rapist in the same place, at the same time? Not often. And if you do, it's most likely a fake rapist, or a fake President.

I’m doing all of this to pay for school, which is expensive. I had some savings, but I blew most of it on Wieners N' Kisses, and the rest on a complete Cosby Show VHS tape compilation last month. On top of that, I racked-up over $10k in balances from credit card cash advances to pay the roller coaster insurance deductible that covered the electrical damages resulting from the beast woman's oral-volcano eruption, which I somehow caused.

Until next time: Be mindful of how you run your business, invest wise, and avoid selling wieners and kisses.