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Published September 28, 2008

Things I could care less about that everyone else apparently does*

 

Michael Phelps:

Truthfully the first few times I saw Michael Phelps on NBC I was convinced they’d accidentally been broadcasting those other Olympics. Has anyone heard this guy in an interview? The Baltimore school system is prouder of the work they did with Carmelo Anthony and Dukie Weems. And why get that excited about a sport whose best attribute is not drowning?

 

The Dark Knight:

Given that it grossed about five times the investment assets of most sovereign wealth funds I feel I may be the only person in the world disappointed that The Dark Knight turned out to be a Batman movie and not a new Martin Lawrence King Arthur comedy.

 

The Jonas Brothers:

Apparently someone decided it would be a good idea to take a bunch of pre-teens and dress them up like everyone I hate at Spaceland. I’d say more but 90% of the time I can’t tell the difference between them and Arcade Fire. In fairness as I type this Joe Jonas is using $1,000 bills as cum rags.

 

Sarah Silverman:

If diminutive white women with foul mouths and a fondness for ethnic slurs are so funny why doesn’t anyone ever laugh at my mom?

 

Gossip Girl:

That people feel the need to pretend Gossip Girl is culturally relevant is precisely why Sarah Palin may be our next Vice President. Speaking of…

 

Sarah Palin:

The reality that she may get elected solely because she arouses most Republican men would be more frightening if the same weren’t true for Obama and most Democratic men.

 

Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson:

Can we all stop pretending Jessica Simpson is a celebrity? This past summer she performed at the California State Fair. Also gracing the State Fair stage were Weird Al Yankovic and Day Tripper, a Beatles cover band. Guess what? They both drew better crowds. And this is in Sacramento, a town that considers Calvin Pissing decals high art and Jessica Simpson music. As for Romo isn’t his popularity in Texas owed almost exclusively to his name’s resemblance to that of the popular rib chain?

 

Pizza Hut’s Pasta Hut Commercials:

If you’re, supposedly, at a fancy Italian restaurant, and you can’t figure out something is shady when the first thing you see on the menu is macaroni and cheese with bacon, you deserve to eat whatever food poisoning pasta Pizza Hut is serving up.

 

Megan Fox:

Good news! Megan Fox likes strippers! And not just strippers, but strippers who dance to Aerosmith! She’d like you to think this makes her edgy. As long as you define Asian businessmen, people who start sentences with “In my country…,” minor league baseball players, truckers and the 90’s Dallas Cowboys as edgy, she’s succeeded.

 

Visible tattoos:

Last night I drank next to a guy with tats from his palms to his shoulders. He also knew the lyrics to the Gin Blossom’s “Hey Jealousy” verbatim…Henry Rollins is rolling over in his grave.

 

My father’s alcoholism:

Look, if my Dad and I want to drink a case of MGD on a Tuesday morning stay the fuck out of it. We’ve had a long week.

 

 

*It should be noted I live in Sacramento, and work almost exclusively with middle aged white women, so my concept of everyone else might be different from, well, everyone else.

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