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May 09, 2017
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IN YOU'RE GOING IN THE TANK, YOU HAVE TO KNOW YOUR NUMBERS!

For those of you who have never taken a dip, Shark Tank is a show where entrepreneurs get to pitch their business to five self-made millionaires and billionaires. Besides medical malpractice lawsuits, Shark Tank is pretty much the only method of upward mobility left for America’s shrinking middle class.

The tank was been getting small businesses soakin’ wet for NINE SEASONS and I think it’s about time we give this CULTURAL INSTITUTION the recognition it deserves with a true and proper RECAP.

Here’s all the chum that’s fit to print from this week’s episode!

1. Thompson Tee, The T-Shirt For Sweaty Slobs

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First into the tank is a sweat proof t-shirt company run by two guys that look like the “before” and “after” photos from the kind of hair loss banner ads you find on porn sites.

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How the hell do these two work together? That one guy has so much hair and that other guy has so much NOT hair. If I were the bald guy, I’d have to assume that it was some kind of personal attack. I bet the hair guy walks in the office every morning and is like “Sorry I’m late, I got my hair stuck in the toilet again” and the bald guy just has to sit there and take it because he put all his fucking money into t-shirts that soak up your pit juice and there’s no way out now.

Speaking of which, the t-shirt the dudes are hocking is basically just a diaper for your armpit. Or a Kotex for your armpit. I didn’t come up with those jokes. The Sharks came up with those jokes and then said them right to these guys’ faces. There is no need to pile on the insults, but I am a CONTENT CREATOR, so it is my professional obligation to say that this shirt is a lil’ puppy peed pad for your armpit.

The best part of their pitch is when they absolutely DRAG Robert for sweating through his shirt once on the show.

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Well, jokes on you assholes! Robert looks hot in that photo! He’s already got a v-shape torso and the pull-up bar, the hand straps, and the line across the eyes give it a kinky flair. Do not let them shame you, Robert! Live your nasty, sweaty life!

BUT THEN ROBERT MAKES AN OFFER?! No, Robert! This sets a dangerous precedent. If you pay these guys there will be no more pitches and all of ST will be the Sharks getting extorted. “We are seeking $100,000 in return for these photos of Daymond John’s butt.” BUH BUH BUH BUH BAH BAH BAH BAH BUH BUH! BAH BAH BAH!

It turns out that Robert is willing to shell it out because he’s some kind of undershirt fanatic. He stops the entire pitch and takes two minutes to preach to everyone about the benefits of undershirts. He’s not even talking about the Depends-for-your-armpits that these guys are trying to sell. He’s just talking about undershirts IN GENERAL.

Even though Robert is THIRSTY to be a player in the undershirt game, the man in the wig and the mannequin head that he uses to hold the wig so that it doesn’t lose its shape accept Robert’s offer WITHOUT EVEN COUNTERING. Congrats, Robert! You’re in the sweat rag business, baby!

2. SHARK TANK UPDATE! Lovepop, The Card Company Warren Beatty Wishes He Could Have Blamed

Now, we’re catching up with a company called Lovepop, who came on in Season 7 and got Mr. Wonderful to invest in their pop-up greeting cards. As you can see, they’re perfect for any Satanist looking to invite people to their Halloween wedding where they will marry their shadow bride!

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Lovepop’s big announcement is that they’re creating the envelopes for the Billboard Awards, which seems like the wrong business to get into these days. HELLO?! LA LA LAND?!!

Anyway, Lovepop has done $8.7 million in sales, which just goes to show you that whenever you see some crap in a store and think “Who buys this crap?” the answer is “everyone buys that crap” and the people who make that crap are filthy rich.

3. Wallet Buckle, The Only Wallet That Sits ABOVE Your Dick

Next up are two brothers from Northern California who are selling a belt buckle that holds your credit cards.

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These assholes have all the hallmarks of what we in the ST community refer as “bro-trepeneurs.” Kitschy apparel item? Check. Dick-joke company t-shirt? Check. “Quirky” pitch? Check. USING LIVING, BREATHING WOMEN AS SILENT MANNEQUINS?! Check.

The worst part is that these guys can’t stop laughing at their own goddamn pitch AND THERE AREN’T EVEN ANY JOKES. Actually, scratch that. The worst part of their pitch is that one of them is wearing lederhosen AND a rhinestone belt. YOUR PANTS ALREADY HAVE SUSPENDERS, BRO! This poor man is thirsty for attention and if he wasn’t trying to push the latest in mall kiosk fashion down my throat, I might pity him. But I don’t. I hate Wallet Buckle and I want them to go bankrupt.

ANYWAY, The Sharks LOVE that the Wallet Buckle looks just like a big ol’ cowboy belt buckle, and yet at the exact same time, The Sharks HATE that Wallet Buckle looks just like a big ol’ cowboy belt buckle. The Sharks contain multitudes! But they all end up agreeing that no one wears big dumb belt buckles and everyone very wisely decides NOT to get into the business of keeping your credit cards right next to your genitalia.

4. Rumi Spice, The Business Built On Afghanistan’s OTHER Cash Crop

Now we got three army veterans who decided to sell saffron grown by farmer they met while on tour in Afghanistan. And here I was thinking that the war on terror was a total bust!

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Honestly, this pitch starts out as a Shark Tank wet dream. These are VETERANS, who went to HARVARD, and are now helping an IMPOVERISHED NATION IN A DEVELOPING COUNTRY through BUSINESS?!?! It doesn’t even matter what the hell the company is. They could be selling a board with a nail through it. As long as a child halfway across the world got her own board with a nail through it every time they sold one, the Sharks would be all in.

But everything goes off the rails when we these vets commit the cardinal sin of Shark Tank: they. do. not. know. their. numbers.

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If you’re trying to get wet in the tank, you gotta know your numbers. In the tanks, there are many, many numbers to know. Manufacturing cost. Shipping cost. Customer acquisition cost. How much money you’d make if your product was manufactured by children in China. In this particular instance, the spice girls (and guy) get tripped up on how much net profit they expect to make on their projected gross sales. They say 5%, which to be fair is LAUGHABLY small, and then Mr. Wonderful “You’re not in Afghanistan. You’re in the Shark Tank now,” which is as insensitive and disrespectful as it is insanely funny.

Thank GOD Mark Cuban swoops in an makes an offer so we don’t have to watch Mr. Wonderful berate these veterans to the point of tears. I think Cuban wanted to invest because he thought it was a good opportunity to help people, but I think he mostly wanted to invest because he liked the saffron gee and yogurt that they passed out at the top of the pitch. Dude was snacking the entire time.

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5. The Scooping Bowl, The Bowl For People Who Love The Simplicity Of Bowls, But Want Them To Have More Parts

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Finally, we got a mixing bowl with a squeegee in it from a guy named Tyler. Let me start by saying that Tyler has overcome some incredible challenges in his life and is an insanely generous person who has devoted himself to the less fortunate. But knowing all of that makes it way less fun to make fun of his dumb bowl. So let’s pretend like he’s not a hero and that that he ran over a dog on his way to the filming instead, OK?

Tyler jumps right into an infomercial style demonstration of his squeegee bowl and while he’s hitting all of the tropes (…but wait! There’s more!), he lacks that coked-up, Billy Mays energy.

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Tyler is attacking this pitch with the pep of a sick horse. Maybe Tyler is just a little nervous, but hey, this isn’t Afghanistan, Tyler. This is Shark Tank!

After Tyler runs through the story of his personal hardships TWICE, Lori jumps in with an offer. Counting Tyler’s little pre-pitch intro package, this makes THREE TIMES that we, the audience, have heard his life story. I’m not saying that Tyler doesn’t deserve to be applauded. I’m just saying it’s KIND OF funny to think that it all leads up to a bowl with a squeegee in it.

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Lori jumps in with an offer which is RARE. Lori only makes in offer if she knows she can sell a million of something at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. It’s like she has to close her eyes and see a product gathering dust in a college apartment before she’ll break out her check book. Tyler tries to pull a royalty deal, but the rest of the Sharks remind Tyler that he is trying to sell a bowl with a squeegee and he gladly accepts.

And that’s a wrap! Four out of five investments made and I just went online and found that the Wallet Buckle sells for $50 and can only hold five credit cards, so they’ll be dead in no time for sure. See you next week!

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