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June 22, 2015

I hate you, Google. You've caused a lot of problems in my relationship. I share a computer with my girlfriend and she would look up anything. "I'm going to look up apples today." She just hits 'A.' It's "Asian ass porn" instantly. Google is, like, "I'll take it from here. I know exactly what you're looking up... Well, every time you hit 'A,' it's 'Asian ass porn.'" Google! All I ask is that you let her type three letters before you jump to such a bold conclusion. It's bad enough that I'm clearing my history every three hours and changing my passwords. I'm trying to have an honest relationship, and you are fucking my shit up! I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it — I want legit sets. What if you went to heaven and God meets you and says, "Hey, welcome to fuckin' heaven." I'm like, "What did you say?" "Welcome to fuckin' heaven." "I didn't know you could swear." "Fuck, yeah, it's fucking heaven" "Well, I was raised as a child never to swear." "Where does it say in the Bible that you can't fuckin' swear?" "No fuckin' where!" "All right, now you are getting the hang of it. Oh, yeah, I saw some slutty bitches outside the pearly gates? You wanna tap that? They ain't gettin' in!" "What?" "No, just kidding. You aren't in heaven, you're in hell. You've been punk'd." Arghhh! Damn you, Ashton! That was elaborate. Way to go the extra mile. Even in the afterlife, you're a douchebag. Hope it was worth it charity-bangin' that geriatric for all eternity, that'll really throw the scent off the gay trail. I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. Really? You did it so your shirts would fit better? You did it because you're a whore, you forgot because you're stupid. My show's about bringing the troops home. That's the message. It's not obvious, but it's there. Bring the troops home tomorrow, and continue the war here. Because we owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds with their families, wake up in the morning, have delicious breakfast, and drive to war. They can do it in Nebraska; we don't need that horrible state. That can be our field. Some of you are like, "Oh, that's not nice! Then, we wouldn't have any corn!" My SUV doesn't run on corn. Ethanol's a dream, and a dumb one. I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check. I saw a guy wearing a WWJD bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working. I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guys cell phone went off -- don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And so I say....and I'm not going to censor myself here 'Hey buddy, Get off the phone please!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business asshole. Oh, now there is trouble in River City. I'm a man, not much of one, but a man, and I will slap you if you are smaller, younger, and preferably white. So I reach over the seat, and at that moment I see my bracelet: What Would Jesus Do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell. One time I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist. It burned his skin. He threw it on the ground and it turned into a snake. We both laughed. We think snakes are slimy, even though we know they're not. "Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2bI3BljHmM

Completely Serious - Daniel Tosh Jokes