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August 29, 2016

We found a hotel that's full of zombies, great time to get drunk in the middle of the day. 10 of the most ridiculous things from last night's 'Fear The Walking Dead' S02E09 "Los Muertos"

1) Hush That Fuss, Every Zombie Move To The Back Of The Bus

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What the fuck is going on in Mexico? It seems like you can’t walk out the front puerta without getting mixed up in a freaky death cult. I know Georgia gets a lot of tourism dollars from The Walking Dead fans, but I don’t think Mexico will be experiencing the same bump. I’m pretty sure Traffic did more for making people want to visit Mexico and that movie features a pregnant lady doing cocaine. It’s a lot of fun, you should just watch Traffic every Sunday instead of this show.

2) Nick’s Shirt Is Pink Now

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Loving the new look, Nick! Pink is a great color on you. LIFE HACK: Do you have a white shirt that you’d like to change into a pink shirt? Just repeatedly soak it in zombie blood then lie down in magic laundry detergent rain and voila! Pink shirt. Because that makes a ton of sense like everything on this show.

3) This Note Will Get Swallowed By The Ocean In 10 Minutes

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Let’s ignore the fact that there was somehow enough perfectly sized driftwood to make this note. Wouldn’t it be smarter to put the wood anywhere else than the one place where it will surely be swept into the ocean? Also, how do you know the military isn’t just going to circle back and jack your wood? Steal my boat? Shame on you. Steal my note made of wood where the boat used to be? Shame on both of us because clearly we’re both making stupid decisions and have a lot of growing up to do.

4) Everyone Is Too Casual About This Blood Smearing

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Can we go five seconds on any of these shows without someone being covered in blood? Everyone is way too casual about it. You guys know it’s gross, right? Like super gross. Anyway, Throat Blood is my new favorite character. So bold. So dynamic. But what’s Throat Blood’s backstory? Did Throat Blood ALSO almost get married? Wow. AMC stands for “Amazing Most Compelling” and you can’t deny that they live up to their name.

5) Zombie Market Sweep

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I’m getting a great vibe from this place! What with the lack of lighting, eerie music, picked over shelves, tent city of the infirmed and silent dudes posted everywhere with guns. Definitely a chill place where nothing bad will happen. Also, isn’t it cute that the cartel now deals in shopping carts? That’s the cutest. The Cart Cartel. They should get fun custom sweatshirts made and wear them to Zombie Disneyland together and take a silly picture in front of Thunder Zombie Railroad. Life is hard, remember to have a little fun from time to time.

6) Nick’s Master Plan

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Why didn’t Nick just put that pastry in the shopping cart? The Cart Cartel clearly said you can fill a cart (apparently including the bottom which I thought would be the thing they actually got in trouble for?) and there was so much extra room in that cart for pastries! He could’ve shoved a dozen tasty pastries in that bad boy! Then Nick somehow turns it all around as if he had a master plan the whole time to get a second cart out of the deal? UGH. That’s not how bargaining with a guy who has a machete to your neck works, Nick. That’s not how any of this works. Quick, let’s have Nick do something fun and whimsical to get us back on his side!

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7) Why Are Madison And Strand Turning Up Right Now?

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Hey. Guys. I know you cleared the giant hotel after looking around half a room for five minutes, but this is maybe not the best time to chase gin with tequila and ring bells and break glasses and slam your drunk hands on an out of tune piano. All while Daughter Lady (I forgot her name) wanders around El Zombie Hilton. Actions have consequences and in this case your drunk asses caused walkers to rain down upon you from the heavens. Great job, team. Everyone is doing great. You guys make Carl Grimes look like Daryl Dixon. CARL. LOOK LIKE DARYL. SHAME ON YOU.

8) That Girl Is A Diabetic, Nick!

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Jesus Christ, Nick! Are you trying to kill that child?!? OK, so she’s not really a diabetic, but like can you imagine? HAH! Diabetes is SO funny! I found out I have diabetes in June, it’s been a HILARIOUS journey! I hum Elliott Smith songs when I stab myself in the stomach, it’s fun. I’m having a lot of fun with diabetes. I’ve been trying to figure out how to bring it up in these recaps, this felt like a casual introduction. So you guys are cool with me making diabetes jokes in a lot of these recaps? Cool! You need to write what you know and the only two things I know in this world for certain = how to goof on these shows and that my pancreas doesn’t work anymore.

9) The Bite Is Fake

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So you’re telling me this pharmacist posing as a doctor who is giving fake medicine (third time this storyline has happened between this show and the other one I also watch that airs on the same channel just during different parts of the year) might also be lying about his zombie bite?!? The heck you say! THE HECK. Uh, NO FUCKING DUH this guy is lying. Also, this is another classic manipulation bit that Salazar would love. Are we SURE they’re not the same person? Nobody’s ever seen them in the same place at the same time. It really makes you think! Think about watching Traffic instead of this show. I think I’m just going to recap Traffic every Monday for the next six weeks.

10) Shaun Of The Dead Is A Fun Movie

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Shaun Of The Dead is a fun movie, and if this show wants to directly rip off scenes from it I say go for it! Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and Edgar Wright probably feels flattered as fuuuuck right now. So flattered. Can someone call Edgar to make sure he’s not TOO flattered? Drink some water, Edgar! Take a seat! You don’t want to go into flatterac arrest! JOIN US NEXT WEEK! Will Strand and Melinda (I forgot her name) find a zombie filled hospital and decide it’s a great place to slam 8 beers and take ecstasy? Probably. Will Nick smear blood all over himself? No way. Not a chance. That will not happen. It definitely doesn’t happen every episode. What’s up with Hero Dad and Chris? I don’t care. They could honestly never check in on them for the rest of time and I would live a happy life and sleep fine at night which would be a huge improvement from where I’m at now. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S02E10 of Fear The Walking Dead!