DR. SEUSS' SAFE-SEX-GUIDE!
By Dr. Seuss
Hello there! My name is Seuss.
I am a very silly goose.
But I’m here to set the story straight.
It’s okay if you want to wait.
One fine day, you might have heard,
Although the footage was quite blurred,
“Lorax” star Efron dropped a thing.
The rubber you put on your ding-ding.
Zac has got the right idea.
You don’t want to get gonorrhea.
It will make you itch and itch.
Itch and itch and itch and itch
Itch and itch. It will make your life a bitch.
Although, if you wait TOO long
People will think something’s wrong.
You know what? They may be right.
I recommend you get some tonight.
Rubbers work and they are safe.
Be warned, they too can make you chafe.
Careful! If your rubber breaks,
You’ll soon be buying birthday cakes.
Cakes and cakes and other cakes.
One for each baby you makes.
It all adds up, for goodness sakes.
But if you forget, it’s not a crime.
You can just wear two next time.
Ladies, forgot a pill or two?
An aspirin fixes that boo-boo.
Aspirin! Aspirin! Take it, please!
Look! It fits between the knees.
Sigh. The truth about the contraceptive?
It really is just all perspective.
You will hear this nowhere else.
A conspiracy to stock store shelves.
Birth control is just suggested.
It rarely works. That’s science-tested.
You can forget it! In fact, you should!
Holding your breath is just as good!
You might ask, what’s a dental dam?
I really don’t know, Sam-I-Am.
But I couldn’t really give a damn.
Because I’m a sir. I’m not a ma’am.
Everything is much more fun
When your body’s gone all numb.
I prefer Jamaican rum.
Don’t be shy! You must drink some!
Here’s a tip from good old Seuss-y!
You can’t get pregnant in a Jacuzzi!
Fast and loose and asks no questions.
That’s my Seussian-ian suggestion.
That’s all, that’s it, this story’s done.
Get out there and have some fun!
Up next: The Seuss-Shank Redemption
- Dude come on a Dr. Seuss writing with no illustrations?! How shameful. I couldn't even bring myself to finish reading it.
- ._. no, it is not more fun if you can't feel anything. The sensations of touch and smell and taste and the sounds and sights are all important, all part of the enjoyment of the experience. Fuck you and your limp fish dead nerve sex. Also, birth control DOES WORK, what the fuck are you trying to do here, cause more "unwanted" pregnancies by convincing stupid girls that the pill doesn't work anyway so they might as well not take it? Do I need to tell you the fucking science of every detail of how it works, exactly? You clearly have never EVER studied medicine or biology or even so much as taken a junior high sex ed class.