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January 31, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at www.brianlisi.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

The Commerce Department was surprised to find that the U.S. economy shrank during the last quarter of 2012. Particularly surprising: The fact that it even exists any more.

Officials confirmed that Israel conducted an airstrike inside Syria. The UN immediately issued a statement saying it will intervene if necessary to ensure no Israeli missiles are hurt.

Former Rep. Gabrielle Giffords addressed Congress on the topic of gun control, saying, "You must act. Be bold. Be courageous." Concluding, "Basically, don't be Congress."

Ronaiah Tuiasosopo revealed that he pretended to be Manti Te'o's girlfriend because he was in love with the Notre Dame linebacker. He also admitted that his three-point plan of "1. get Manti Te'o to fall in love with me, 2. pretend to die and 3. say I came back to life but now I'm a man" didn't reach its full potential.

Actor Jason London was arrested Sunday night in Scottsdale, Ariz., for fighting at a club, then defecated in the back of a police car. On the bright side, we now know what it'd look like if twin brother Jeremy London did the same thing. Or: The police forgave the incident since right before, he hilariously yelled, "London calling!"

Blackberry's new spokesperson Alicia Keys recently tweeted using an iPhone. Especially rough news for Blackberry, since it ordinarily puts on an Alicia Keys album whenever its heart gets broken.

A Florida doctor is accused of gifting Sen. Robert Menendez of New Jersey with underage prostitutes. Even worse, the young women were under the impression Menendez was from New York.

South Korea launched a rocket into space on Wednesday. North Korea responded by brushing off the achievement, saying, "Do you really think that's where we'd hide Kim Jong-il?"

A new report labels cats as one of the biggest human-linked threats to wildlife in America. Meanwhile, dogs remain the biggest human-linked threat to snuggling on the couch and just having an overall fun time.

A 15-year-old was fatally shot on Tuesday in Chicago after attending President Barack Obama’s inauguration and performing at inaugural events just over a week ago. Sadly, Obama has yet to accept the blame.

France is reportedly prepared to deport several allegedly extremist imams. Understandable, but what will happen to the children who have to be raised by single idads?

New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg recently said that Joe Biden has “a set of balls." Unfortunately they're not allowed in New York City movie theaters because they're over 20 ounces.