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August 12, 2015

Larry Page’s internal memo apologizing for forgetting to Google Google’s new parent company name, Alphabet.

larry page.jpg

Google co-founder Larry Page, announcing the dumb new name of his company, Alphabet

Google’s founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin have created a new parent company named Alphabet that will house Google and Google’s various other holdings like Nest and Calico. The new name is causing a stir because “Alphabet” is already used by various companies, including Alphabet.com, which is owned by BMW; Alphabet Funds, a Wall Street firm; and Alphabet Energy, a mid-sized energy company in California, amongst others.

How did Alphabet’s naming confusion happen? We have Larry Page’s internal memo apologizing for forgetting to Google it first.

Dear Google,

Shit, you guys. I fucked up. Like, majorly fucked up. I forgot to Google “Alphabet” and now realize it is a dumb, overused company name. What do we always say? Google it! But I forgot.

Here’s what happened: On Monday afternoon, I was in my office — a little drunk on Chardonnay as I usually am on Monday afternoons — looking out the window at my vast Google empire and watching Glengarry Glen Ross. And you know that part where Alec Baldwin does that big speech about “always be closing” — you know, the famous part? Well, that’s when it hit me: “ABC! A — Always. B — Be. C — Changing. The name of your company! To something that has to do with ABC … uh … the ALPHABET! Man, I am so smart! Alphabet is such a better name than Google, which, let’s face it, is just a jibberish word I made up of random Alphabet letters OH MY GOD this is full circle! I am going to make a huge announcement about my perfect new company name to the entire world literally right now!”

So I did. I held the press conference. Right then and there. I went out in front of all those people, drunk on my own power and an oaky California Chardonnay with Alec Baldwin’s velvety voice whispering in my ear. Sergey was definitely like “WTF dude” but he went along with it anyhow, God bless his little Russian soul. I stood in front of everyone and very heroically yelled, “WE ARE ALPHABET!

And then there was silence from the crowd. But not the type of breathless anticipation silence that happens right before everyone freaks out and starts cheering in a movie. Nope. This silence was the type that cuts right through your Kongsgaard Estates 2010 Chardonnay haze and sobers you up real quick. And that’s when I realized I had forgotten the #1 Google Rule: ABG. A — Always. B — Be. G — Googling. Always be Googling! Always be Googling!

I made $2.7 billion last year. Google it! How much you make? You didn’t make that much. I know because I can look at our payrolls. You see, pal, that’s who I am. And you’re nothing. Nice guy? I don’t give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids! You wanna— OH HOLY HELL it’s that $175 bottle of Chardonnay and the Alec talking again.

The point is, I should have used Google’s search engine to see if anyone had used the Alphabet name. Or at the very least, I should have Googled “Alphabet” on Bing. Although I bet Bing would have been like, “you’re good to go!” like the asshole that it is. Never trust those fuckers at Bing for your Googling needs.

Anyhow, I’m sorry that now we all have to say that we work for Alphabet. Does abc.xyz make it better? No, that’s also dumb? Okay, I’m sorry about that too.

Larry “the Googs” / "The Alphs” Page