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September 30, 2010

The guy was a legend. He'll be missed.


Yes, Greg Giraldo nailed every joke at every roast. That's not up for the debate - the guy was a genius when it came to insult comedy. But let's not forget that he was a hilarious stand-up regardless of the context. A smart comedian who touched on religion, politics and his personal life, Giraldo was a gift to the world of comedy.

Here are 10 of his best lines. Note that these are 10 of the best. Not the best. This guy said so many hilarious things, it'd be insulting to the rest of his massive arsenal of jokes to say this is the definitive list. The world lost a comedic legend and he will certainly be missed.

On Christianity:
The Virgin Mary...We have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story.

On Judaism:
Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.

On Conservation:
Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't -- we have big, fat kids.

On Raising Children:
Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?

Terrorism is obviously on everybody's mind. The other day my son says to me, 'Daddy, how come the bad men hate us?' How sad is that? I actually got tears in my eyes -- because he's 18. What kind of a moron am I raising?

Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.

On Public Awareness:
I read recently that 50% of American adults don't know who Madeleine Albright is. Can you believe that? She was so good on 'Murder, She Wrote.'

On Hummers:

I saw one of those giant Hummer cars with handicapped tags on it. I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an a**hole was technically a handicap.'

On Science in Japan:

The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it... You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla.

On Relationships:
Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free.