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June 17, 2011

Get him to marry you

1.  Pull the Goalie:  This time tested method of "unplanned" parenthood has been passed down from generation to generation, quite literally in fact.  Don't wait till he's ready.  You're ready right now.  Don't poke a hole in his rubber, that's nutso.  Stop taking your birth control.  A few weeks later BING, BANG, BOOM you got a baby inside you.  What's he gonna say now?  Let's wait until the baby is 5.  Of course not.  With all the free time you'll have from not planning your child's future, you can plan your wedding day.  It's going to be just like you dreamed.

2.  The Punching Bag:  This is reverse psychology here.  You want to dominate this bitch and treat him like you could take it or leave it.  The goal here is to feed off his insecurity.  The more he thinks you don't love him, the more he'll be determined to prove his worth.  Kinda like a golden retriever.  If he's an alpha male, treat him like a younger brother.  Start calling him a pussy and start talking about muscles, and his lack there of.  If he's a beta male, he's already your bitch and you have nothing to worry about.  He'll be so eager to please, he'll have no other choice but to ask your hand in marriage.  Bonus Tip:  When he finally does pop the question, don't give him an answer for 2 or 3 months.  Make him sweat.  When you do say yes, make it sound like you're doing him a huge favor.  This buys you at least 5 years of him being your bitch.  

3.  The Peace Corps:  I'm thinking outside the box on this one.  Join an international goodwill organization like Amnesty International, the Red Cross, or the Peace Corps.  Somewhere remote with a thick language barrier, like Africa, is preferable.  You will be his sole connection to the outside world.  He will meet wonderful, fascinating people, but they can't relate to him the way you can.  What you're ultimately doing here in a foreign land is taking advantage of the lack of female competition, unless he's into 3rd world chicks, which is totally possible.  You're also playing off his idealism and desire to de-westernize and "return to nature".  Once you two are invited to a tribal wedding in a small village, it's all over for this guy.  Bonus Tip: If he's white, there's no way he'll pass up the chance to live the white man's dream of having a tribal wedding surrounded by black or Indian people.  That's like the coolest possible scenario for white people.  He'll get married just to tell his white friends and his one black friend, that he got married by an Indian chief or a Zulu warrior.   

4.  The Crackhead:  Dependency is the key here.  He needs you? Why?  He needs you to pay for the joyously, fantastic crack habit he's developed, thanks to your persistent pleas to, "Just try it."  Obviously, you can't partake in the fun, but that's a small price to pay to get your man.  He'll marry you, re-shingle your roof, and chop down enough wood for 6 winters, as long as you keep buying that rock.  I know what you're thinking; Being Mrs. Crackhead isn't quite what I call domestic bliss.  That's why you fast-track his trip to rock bottom.  Give him all the crack in the world, then immediately cut him off.  Kick him out for a week.  After he's sucked a few dicks under the overpass, he'll be begging you to take him back.  Under one condition! Rahab.  You get him cleaned up and back on his feet.  Guess what Mrs. Former Crackhead?  You just saved his life.  He can't leave you now.   

5.  The Beard:  Now this is contingent on you finding a certain kind of man.  A gay man.  Sounds absolutely perfect doesn't it.  You may need a little help from your gaydar research/swat team to help you find the perfectly dressed, perfectly toned, perfectly closeted gay man.  Possibly a southern man from a Christian background or a military brat with an overbearing asshole Staff Sgt. father or an actor.  Finding this Mr. Perfect is the hard part, but once you've singled him out, getting him to pop the question will be a piece of cake.  He will jump at the opportunity to assure his parents and the rest of straight society, that he's not gay.  Now, once your married, take the reins off.  Let him be as gay as gay can be.  As gay as a rainbow at a Gaga concert.  What are you left with? 1. Someone to shop with 2. Someone that will listen to you 3. Someone to watch DWtS with 4. Someone to jog with 5.  A perfect husband.  All you'll need to add is a top-of-the-line vibrator.  Now you're living the dream.