DISCLAIMER: The following contains a frank discussion of sex and politics. Those who prefer them in separate doses please read no further.
(New York—NY) To those of you expecting the usual news parody, sorry. After watching the Vice Presidential debate between Senator Joe “Smooth Fella” Biden and Sarah “Cha-Cha” Palin, I feel compelled to just state my view, no parody intended. Why? I am convinced it will address all of the complex issues before U.S. voters in the upcoming election, bring about a new era of global unity and I think it might even restore the polar ice cap. But I need to do more research on that.
First, a confession, I watch all of my debates on CNN. What can I say? I’m a sucker for Wolf Blitzer’s pompadour and John King’s “Magic Map.” I mention this because it was directly due to CNN’s ability to provide real time reaction to both men and women watching the Vice Presidential debate that brought me to my Eureka moment.
When Sarah Palin directly addressed the camera, men’s reactions instantly spiked up. (Actually, my reaction instantly spiked up when she walked on the stage, shook Senator Biden’s hand, and not knowing live microphones are live, said, “Can I call you ‘Joe’?” I’m reminded of “Jerry Maguire”, “You had me at ‘hello,’”) Now, I can’t exactly remember what Sarah Palin was saying when those reactions shot up because looking at her the only thing that came to my mind was the term “reverse cowgirl”. And judging from male reactions, I am not alone. Okay, some men might have thought about looking at her from behind bending over a desk while wearing a knee high tight black skirt to get a letter opener. Maybe it was just the flash of her eating a popsicle? But, you get my point.
So I racked my brain. And I couldn’t think of a single time that an image of Margaret Thatcher, Angela Merkel, Golda Mier or Indira Gandhi brought such a, um, surge of thoughts. There was one time with Hillary Clinton, but that was way back in 1994, before the pantsuits, when she was still wearing the headbands. And then my world changing observation came, after I had a suitable Phil Donahue moment over my own sexist reflex. Is it so bad not to be able to pay attention to what Sarah Palin is saying when she looks at me or other men for that matter?
Follow me on this. Men being men, and my CNN data supporting me, let’s say Sarah Palin knows absolutely nothing about foreign policy and she’s talking to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. You don’t think he’d be thinking, “I wonder what she would look like in an above the knee berka?” How about former Russian President, who come on let’s face it still runs the country, Vladimir Putin. There’s “Cha-Cha” going on about I don’t know something that has to do with Russia. And he’s thinking, “The scene: I’m a Bond villain. I have her tied to a leather table. I wonder how she looks in a PVC jumpsuit?” You don’t think Vlad thinks like that? Come on. He wears mock turtlenecks.
What can we conclude from this? Whether “Cha-Cha” knows about domestic or foreign policy is incidental. If she doesn’t, hey, just put a microphone in her ear and speak facts into it. Or as I prefer to imagine it, whisper them. Oh so closely. Oh so slowly. But I digress.
If my observation is credible and I think it is, let’s take it full tilt. My recommendation is on the independent ticket to nominate Janine and Julia Ann, that’s right guys the Blondage duo, for President and Vice President. Who will hold what office? I know we could debate that endlessly, but let’s not get mired in details when action needs to take the day. If we do this, I’m convinced that this ticket could end the domestic economic crisis, solve the Iraq problem, nullify Iran’s nuclear desires and bring a new era of world peace, not to mention satisfaction, in general.
Sure, I know my plan has some flaws, like women voters and world leaders. I didn’t say it was perfect. But if the Republicans want to nominate a woman Vice President, regardless of if she is suited for the job, let’s go for women who will really take that to the goal line and then to the locker room and do what we guys know all women do in locker rooms. Cue the bad fusion music soundtrack and hit the showers.
I’m Ed E. Druckman, and I approved this message.
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