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Published October 29, 2012 More Info »
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Published October 29, 2012

 

Citing incessant pressure from radical Muslim groups and greedy Christian infiltrators, the various Yaelong tribes officially declared their material, military, and logistical support for the continuing independence of the Glorious Republic of Grigovia (GROG). Descending on foot, on horseback, and in battered pickup-trucks from the foothills of Yiptlong massif to attend the Summit to Secure our Sovereignty, which is being held in the fortified banquet halls of the spartan HM Queen Pylta Hotel in downtown Grig, this capital city of roughly 1.5 millions of inhabitants. Exuberant and battle-hardened, the leaders celebrated their safe arrival in the manner of their fore-bearers – by unloading their Kalashnikov rifles, passing them to the person to their left, and feasting upon fermented green-tuber borscht washed down with great flagons of wine made from czabtyip, a weed with hallucinogenic properties also known as mountain sharpstand. Then, as part of the traditional peace ceremony, the leaders passed the horn of a young ram slaughtered in the ancient rite of yepyündling to the person to their right, invoking the blessing of saint Grigov and goddess Libertas and swearing an oath of fealty and love to their neighbor's family, tribe, and honor.

 

Rising from her seat and waiting patiently for the assembled warriors to quiet down, tribal leader Erya Rovend of the mythical Farflung Free Nations said: “Thanks be to Lady Liberty, she who inspires our every waking thought, who guides our every conscious act. Despite my initial refusal, the members of my tribe requested that I be sent here to this Summit, the first of its kind in all of our proud history. May peace be upon us all; may we leave here united and strong, a fist full of twigs yielding neither to the heavy hand of American forces nor to the sinister touch of al-Qaida in Central Asia. My brothers and sisters, I love you all.” The young woman then sat back down onto her rough horse-hair mat, her cheeks turning a deep red as all other persons in the hall – even the stone-faced old military types – rose to their feet in standing ovation. As soon as the commotion had died down, Erya was elected to the post of Summit spokesperson, she who would announce its declarations to the world. One or two other leaders rose to offer their greetings and to bless the assembled, but they soon stopped in honor of the great strength and raw purity of young Miss Rovend's words.

 

After six days of talks, debates, yoga, and heated discussion, the Summit ended. Before sending Erya Rovend to the United Nations headquarters in New York City to denounce Ynki imperialism and religious radicalism alike, the Grigovian Ministry of Foreign Affairs reissued its Declaration of National Sovereignty, asking kindly that all foreign powers leave it in peace and not infringe upon the course its people had chosen for themselves. Furthermore, it mentioned that the nation's tribes would be automatically deputized if it were invaded, combining with its well-trained standing armies to become an indomitable force for self-determination. At the end of the document, it issued a list of reminders, among which were the following: “Please do not cross our borders without permission; please stop trying to corrupt the officials in charge of environmental protection; please stop trying to take our vast deposits of rare-earth-metals without paying fair prices; please stop trying to nub-cut our forests and strip-mine our hills; please – everyone – keep your religious opinions to yourselves; please understand that even the slightest act of aggression will be countered with outright and total war; please ask nicely for the recipe for fermented green-tuber borscht, and stop trying to steal it; please let us decide which system of government is best for us, and, especially you Americans, stop threatening to impose upon us your bullshit fake democracy.” Erya Rovend is scheduled to address the U.N. on Halloween in an eye-slit burkha, to protect her virtue.

 

© mentiri factorem fecit (???)

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