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May 21, 2013

Bumper stickers are a window into someone's soul... and a sure sign that whoever put them there is an overly-opinionated cunt.

So, you have a rescue Dalmation, you're vehemently anti-handgun, you would like me to keep my laws off of your body, and you car's been to the top of Mt. Washington.  Wow, I feel like I know you far better than I would ever want to.  I don't really have a problem with your political positions, but I do have a problem with the fact that in a matter of seconds, you've answered several questions that I really had no intention of asking in the first place.  And to be honest, I probably could have inferred most of that from your Beiber hair cut and the fact that you're driving a Subaru.  Yes, I'm also driving a Subaru, but that's only because it's great in the snow and has fantastic resale value... not because it gives me the right to shake my head in disapproval at anyone driving an SUV.  I'll make you a deal... I'll keep my laws off your body, and you keep your opinions out of my field of vision.  If I really wanted to know more about you, I'd just drop by the coffee shop on Lisa Loeb cover night and we could chat about how gender-biased Mitt Romney's campaign has become.  Why can't a Republican candidate seem to figure out how to embrace the disenfranchised female population in this country?  I know, right.  Well, now that I know four things about you that I never wanted to, let me return the favor: I believe that Tiger Woods' only mistake was getting married, I think that Gertrude Stein's work lacks substance and can be cloyingly over-emotional, organic food is too goddamn expensive for me to give a shit about it, and I bought my dog from a breeder which required me to drive by three or four rescue kennels.  I would've let you know all of that with a series of clever bumper stickers, but it would really decrease the re-sell on my Impreza.