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February 11, 2010


According to the fine people at Wikipedia, a groupie is a person who seeks emotional and/or sexual intimacy with a celebrity or other authority figure. And the word groupie actually derives from the Latin word groupus -- the first part of the word being grou which means a large gathering of men who usually get together to share a pus -- which is Latin for fifteen-year-old girl.

The most famous groupie is of course Penny Lane, as sung about by the Beatles, and later portrayed by Kate Hudson in the movie Almost Famous:

According to that movie, groupies are apparently traded around as currency between rock stars, much like prison inmates do with cartons of cigarettes.

Anyway, I’d like to point out that I recently got my first groupie. It’s true. A few days ago I checked my Funny Or Die messages and saw that I received an e-mail from an enthusiastic young female fan. Here is that e-mail:

Date: Jan 19, 2010 08:47 PM

Subject: Lets make it happen

Dear SJFatty,

I read your blog about when you went to the Dave Mathews band and how you almost penetrated a high school girl but didn't get to. You mention a lot that you were fat and no one boned you in high school and its unfortunate but luckily i think from those hard experiences as a youngster, it made you be so god damned funny now.

But anyway, I am in high school. I am 17.* You've never done a high school chick. I never done a.. well..a you. So I think it is only right that we be eachother's first. I've read every single one of your blogs and I feel like I know you...really well.

And its ok if you're a one hump chump as you say. The sex really doesn't need to be this long drawn out process. I find that it just becomes repetitive after awhile--hump hump hump hump hump ..ok i get it.

Afterward you and I can get high. I have a fully functioning super nintendo that we can play. I have super mario world. q-bert and wwf royal rumble game.

Let me know if at all this interests you. Hope to hear from you soon.

Best Regards,


* I turn 18 in three months.

In case you’re not paying attention, that right there is a seventeen-year-old girl offering me sex to make up for the fact that I never got laid in high school. And although the sad story of my loveless high school years are illustrated in several different blogs, she’s specifically referring to one particular story when I was in college and was about to finally have sex with a high school girl, but was instead interrupted by a rude Black Woman:


Now first of all, I have considered the fact that this offer for teenage sex might not be real. I know several people -- both friend and foe -- who would love pulling a gag like this on me -- not to mention Chris Hanson and his crack team of pedophile-busters at To Catch a Predator.

However, I would like to point out that if it is Chris Hanson pulling this shit, than I’m sorry, but that’s clearly entrapment and I’m not going down without a fight.

But I don’t believe it’s entrapment. And I don’t think someone's trying to fuck with me. After a brief investigation, I believe Kaitlyn’s offer is one hundred percent legitimate. You see, Kaitlyn’s Funny Or Die profile included several high school pictures, including a 2009 homecoming dance picture from Valencia High School, as well as pictures of her and her friends at the opening night of Twilight: New Moon.

I would now like to take this opportunity to respond to Kaitlyn’s e-mail:

Re: Lets make it happen


First off, let me just say thank you very much for offering me your teenage poonani. I’m very touched and I honestly think it’s one of the nicest gestures anyone’s ever made to me -- especially the part about getting me high.

That being said, there’s no way in hell I can accept your offer. Perhaps I would have taken you up a few years ago when I was still a sleaze ball in my twenties, but I’ve unfortunately matured a little bit and the idea of having sex with a high school girl just sounds wrong. And most importantly, I now have a beautiful girlfriend that I love more than anything -- well, you know, next to cheeseburgers -- and I don’t wanna do anything to screw that up.

But Kaitlyn, you can do one thing for me… I want you to find your high school’s equivalent of me -- you know, the funny, dorky kid with great hair who all the girls love, but no one wants to date. And once you find him, do what no girl in my high school would do for me -- fuck the shit out of his brains.

Seriously. Pay it forward. And then when you’re done fucking his brains out, do it again. And for Christ’s sake -- wear a friggin’ condom. You don’t need to get pregnant.