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March 02, 2016

Nation unable to cope following the outcome of Super Tuesday.

Across America this morning, millions woke up to a very real panic that the end of their nation is on the horizon. The hugely overplayed joke that is Donald Trump continues as we all sit and wonder when it will finally wane.

“It’s like one minute I’m living in fucking Pleasantville, and the next minute I’m in Fuckedville,” was how Tobey Maguire described it. “For fuck sake, how did we let this happen?”

Tobey wasn’t the only outspoken one today, as millions voiced their opinions anywhere they could.

“Great, another National Insert Words Here Day,” tweeted John Hamm. When asked which day he thought it would be, Hamm answered, “National Grab Your Ankles and Cry Because Everything Is Fucked Day.”

Over the months we have found ourselves being forced to watch a human blob of shit parade himself around the country and say whimsical (how he describes racism, sexism, hate speech, and other general bullshit) things. The good news? It’s maybe actually kinda starting to become too much? Maybe? I hope so? Please? I don’t know, but what I do know is we have done something awful. We have all let this happen, but somehow nobody knows how. “I honestly don’t know,” said Jordan Crangus of Minnesota, “I find it terrifying. Like, that Kesha song came on the radio and all I could think about is how some sex crime monster named Dr. Luke who I’m pretty sure never went to medical school is getting paid for it. So I turn it to NPR and have to listen to some fucking bullshit about how America might only have less than a year of existence.”

Sadly, this is just the beginning. Said piece of human shit garbage pail kid come to life will be campaigning until November. We will have to sit down with our friends and families and watch him debate Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton. Every night that we do, we will be asking ourselves, “What the fuck have we done?”

Please Also Note: Hillary will be debating from prison, as vile piece of shit guy debates alone on an awkwardly lit stage while making love to a gluten-free plain bagel with regular low-fat cream cheese.