As of yesterday, I now know that you are not the woman who gave birth to me. I must say that I've always had my suspicions, but aunt Beverly laid all rumors to rest last night in the midst of a drunken stupor. I always thought that you were a little dark, but the sun is a motherfucker and I gave you the benefit of the doubt when you told me that you would "tan" a lot.
I fucking hate you now. So if you were wondering why I wasn't at the monthly "family" meeting/Jenga game this morning - now you know why, slut. I'll telll ya, for being a lush aunt BevMo is quite the wizard. Therefore, I'm officially adopting her as my new mother. So you can suck it! You can suck it because you're not my mother! So keep suckin' on it until the sun comes up! You can suck it in the mall, you can suck it in an elevator, you can even suck it in a school yard if you feel so inclined - cuz your "little Chrissy" doesn't care anymore!
So what's next? Where do we possibly go from here? I suppose you're gonna tell me that Lawrence Taylor is my father. That would be fine, because then I would shoot his bitch ass! Discontinue all communication with me at once! If you need to speak with me please go through my agent or manager. If I catch you on the street I will attempt to fling feces at you, THAT IS A PROMISE!
I love you mom. Oops! That was for my REAL MOM, wherever she is.
P.S. Suck it.