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As Florida Governor Jeb Bush prepares to mount his 2016 White House run, he has had to distance himself from the decisions and policies of his brother, former President George W. Bush, and, to a lesser extent, from those of his father, former President George H.W. Bush. Jeb took it a step further today in the exclusive interview below, wherein he denied even knowing who his brother and father are.


INTERVIEWER: This has been a tough week for you — you laid out your vision for U.S. foreign policy, only to have it slammed by critics for its non-specificity.

JEB BUSH: Well, when you put forth a bold global plan for taking down ISIS, you’re bound to catch a little flack from those who don’t understand the need to take decisive action to rout out this terrible force for evil.

INT: What sort of insight have you gained from George W. Bush? It seems like if you were ever commander in chief, you could potentially avoid some of the innumerable disastrous missteps your brother made in regard to military operations in the Middle East.

JB: Sorry, a George W. what? Who’s that? What’s that?

INT: Former President George W. Bush? Your brother? The 43rd president of the United States?

JB: Hmm … not ringing any bells. What is that? Is that like a person? Like a garbageman or a Frenchman or something? Or a wild animal of some sort? I’m in favor of wildlife conservation, to a certain extent.

INT: It’s a man. A man who was the president of the United States of America for two terms. And who is your older brother.

JB:Wow, I really think you’re mistaken, friend. Sounds like you’re maybe talking about a kind of hearty soup, or a weather pattern. Is a George W. Bush like a barometric pressure drop, similar to a nor’easter? Ha, ha! You won’t rope me into a conversation about climate change that easily! No comment!

INT: …

JB: Or is it a — sorry, what did you say it was called? A Gorgeous E. Bushington?

INT: George W. Bush. Your older brother, who you grew up with and have known for 62 years. A former governor of Texas?

JB: Right. So … like a new SUV model from the good people over at Chrysler, you’re saying? If so, I am in full support of our recovering automotive industry. It’s been a rough few years, but things are really turning around in Detroit!

INT: Uh … moving along … how about your father, George H.W. Bush? Have you picked his brain in terms of the myriad difficulties the U.S. faces in the Middle East?

JB: That new thing you just mentioned sounds a lot like the other thing you were talking about. Are you asking me about that hearty soup again? Is it like that soup you were talking about before, but like, a regional take on it? If you have chili in Wisconsin, it’s pretty standard chili, but then if you have a bowl of chili in New Mexico, there might be a sort of Tex-Mex twist on it — with lime and sour cream, and so forth. Is it a similar sort of thing, with this soup you’re talking about?

INT: I’m talking about your father, the man who conceived you and who was the 41st president of the United States. He entered the country into the Gulf War in the early ’90s?

JB: Ah, yes — the Gulf War. A war waged by coalition forces from 34 nations led by the United States against Iraq in response to Iraq’s invasion and annexation of Kuwait.

INT: So, you know what the Gulf War is?

JB: If there’s the possibility that I’ll be leader of the free world, I have to know my history so that I can make informed decisions.

INT: But you don’t know who your father, former president George Herbert Walker Bush, is?

JB: You know, this is exactly why I don’t do interviews with … what are you, a pineapple or something?


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