Ohhhhh, my God. Ok, this one is gonna be tough. I just heard word from my neighbor’s son, Demetri, that Playboy is going to be removing all of the naked ladies from their magazines as of March 2016. If this is a joke, it’s a bad one and Demetri’s asking for my belt across his backside. If it’s TRUE … well then I just don’t know what I’m going to do with myself.

You see, I’m a local barber. People expect certain things from a local barber: good haircuts, good conversation, and a good selection of stroke books. Honestly, maybe not even in that order. The stroke books might come first! Cause, for males across the country, the barbershop is that sacred third place. It’s not work or school but it’s also not home with your wife or mom. It’s a private oasis for an hour so men can forget their troubles and check out a 19-year-old’s knockers and butthole.

I’ve been subscribing to Playboy magazine since I opened my shop, Main Street Barbers, 51 years ago. Which means over a half-century’s worth of empirical data proving men like to look at both tits and asses while they’re waiting for a cut. “The ol’ Trim and Trim” is what the fellas call it. Here’s how the conversation usually plays out.

“I’d like a haircut, Julian.”
“It’s going to be a 25-minute wait.”
“That’s fine. I’ll just sit here and get my dick hard to this magazine till you’re ready.”

That’s how it goes! The men of the neighborhood clumsily flip through a Playboy while waiting for an $11 haircut. And I know they aren’t just reading the articles because when they finally do hit the chair, the smock is always floating 6” from their lap. That shit don’t happen from reading Letters to the Editor. It comes from takin’ a peek at how Miss October styles her pussy hair. (I swear, ladies have more choices with their pubes than men have with their heads! Landing strip … Brazilian … full bush. I know exactly TWO cuts: completely shaved or men’s regular. Those are your choices at my place. But no one cares cause that’s not why they come to visit me! Again, they come for the skin rags.)

And for my younger customers, flippin’ through a porn mag is a right of passage! I can’t tell you how many 12-year-olds saw their first private parts in MY barbershop. (Except for 1979–1980 when they were seeing them from a really bad man who hung outside the middle school. It was this whole “thing” in our town for a while and, honestly, pretty sad.) I’d see them stickin’ the mag behind a copy of Life and go, “You boys old enough for that mag? I’m just playin! Enjoy the pussies.” But where are they supposed to see the pussies now?! THE INTERNET?! To be honest, I don’t even fully know what that is and, honestly, it’s probably not gonna be around much longer anyways. I think it’s a fad. $4.99 softcore purchased at an airport and hidden under a mattress —THAT is here to stay.

Quite simply, if Playboy takes the naked ladies out of their magazine, I will have to close my business. The reading selection at Main Street Barbers is the ONE thing I have over Supercuts, Fantastic Sams, and all those other loveless chains that’ve been popping up and stealing my customers. Did you know there’s one place in this town where you can even playVIDEO GAMES while you’re getting your haircut?! They have a Sega Genesis machine! It’s actually where I go to get my haircut. How’s a guy supposed to compete?!

Also, before you even suggest it, 911 was NO help. They were like, “Well, if you’ve been subscribing for over 50 years you should have plenty of Playboys with naked ladies for your store.” UM, NO I DO NOT. There’s a self-life to the published pornography. Have you ever taken a good whiff of a six-month-old Playboy? Reeks of nothing but mothballs and jizz. (YES, I let my customers masturbate while they’re waiting, which is another thing I have on Super Cuts and Fantastic Sam’s. I tried doing it at Fantastic Sam’s once and they were like, “Um, can you not??” Really bad service but that’s what you can expect if we keep letting big businesses invade our town.) I’m getting way off topic but the point is, I need to keep the pornography in my barbershop fresh.

So please, Mr. Hefner. Bring it back. It helps bring the customers into my store and also helps me from leering too hard at my granddaughter’s girlfriends. Also before you suggest I start stocking Penthouse instead, the answer is hell no. That shit is nothing but smut and I won’t allow it.

Julian Deboney