Before I met Apatow, my dysfunctional life started in high school after my grandmother died and I got a step brother. I didn’t care anymore. I hung with all the other freaks doing sex and drugs, and yes, rock ‘n roll. We used to get the shit kicked out of us, busted by cops and throttled at parties trying to score chicks before they puked. I once drank vodka out of a detergent bottle and my boy blasted a handgun at a cop car on fire in a parking lot.

Then I got the step brother. What an asshole! Total war at home. We fought every day and almost ended up killing each other. I started hitchin’ into the city and crashing on people’s couches to do stand up. I met—and had sex—with the most beautiful blond woman I’d ever seen in my life. Alison…pretty cool, too. But nothing lasts forever though.

A few weeks later, Alison tells me she’s pregnant!…And wants to keep it! Not that I didn’t like her but I didn’t want to be forced into it. We ended up trying but started fighting a lot and broke up. I followed that with doing a bunch of ‘shrooms and going to Vegas.

Eventually I got back to comedy, and my career strangely takes off. A TV big shot catches my show and hires me to be his smartass anchorman on a cable news show. News? I never even watched the stuff. First real job I ever had. But my demons rode shotgun. I kept getting drunk, harassing female coworkers and doing inappropriate things on air until I got fired after a brawl in the parking lot.

Back in the clubs my life went from bad to worse. One night trying to score a bag a weed outside the Pineapple Lounge I randomly look through a window and see a cop and a thug execute a man! People kept saying I was paranoid but I saw the murder and—the murderers saw me! Hollywood couldn’t make this shit up. I end up trapped in a safe room under a barn. I try to run but am shot in the ear and my boy Saul is about to get killed by the thug when a fuckin’ Daewoo rams right into him (muthafucka!)

It didn’t help that I came from a strict family of minorities and that my mom was always trying to arrange a marriage for me. The last thing I want is commitment or even to change. But just like in the movies, not changing means not really living. And that’s what I was doing before I met Apatow.

Fuckin’ trainwreck, getting shitfaced, sleeping around every night because I could. The money and fame almost killed me. I didn’t have one real friend, and the one woman I really loved was married. Her husband actually kicked my ass on their front lawn but that still didn’t knock any sense into me. And then, to top it all off, I get cancer. Fuck me. God wouldn’t even let me be miserable.

I didn’t believe in monogamy just like the jerky dad I loved. Separated from the love of my life, I found myself alone, sick and tired. I almost didn’t want the chemo to work, but just to spite me, it did. Slowly but surely, I was almost in remission when I fell into a coma. And none of the doctors knew why.

When I wake up a couple months later, I find out that Apatow had made a heartfelt movie about me in which I learn all my lessons in a real but funny way. A story where everything somehow luckily turns out alright. It ends with me realizing the error of my ways and making amends with the people I love. Adult children of alcoholics love this shit! Their dysfunctional loved ones now miraculously cured. All our problems wrapped up in a bow.

In the act three finale, I not only wittily face my pain and feel my hurt, but I stop hurting others because of it. I then commit to those I love and take responsibility for my actions because I finally realize that this life is not all about me. The movie ends with all of us going off into a kind of a perpetual happy ending (minus the hand job).

IRL, the big sick cancer came back and I’m still having problems with the drinking, drugging and whoring but at least Apatow made a movie about me.

Advertisement