Before I met Apatow, my f’d up life started in high school after my grandmother died and I got a step brother. I didn’t care anymore. I hung out with all the other freaks doing sex and drugs, and yes, rock ‘n roll. We used to get the shit kicked out of us, busted by cops and throttled at parties trying to score chicks before they puked. I once drank vodka out of a detergent bottle and my boy blasted a handgun at a cop car on fire in a parking lot.
Then I got the step brother. What an asshole! Total war at home. We fought every day and almost ended up killing each other. I started hitchin’ into the city and crashing on people’s couches to do stand up comedy. I met—and had sex—with the most beautiful blond woman I’d ever seen in my life. Alison…pretty cool, too. But nothing lasts forever though.
A few weeks later, Alison tells me she’s pregnant!…And wants to keep it! Not that I didn’t like her but I didn’t want to be forced into fatherhood. We ended up trying but started fighting a lot and broke up. Then I did a bunch of ‘shrooms and went to Vegas!
My comedy career strangely started taking off. A TV big shot caught my show and hired me to be his smartass anchorman on a cable news show. News? I never even watched the stuff. First real job I ever had. But my demons rode shotgun. I kept getting drunk, harassing female coworkers and doing inappropriate things on air until I got fired after a massive brawl in the parking lot.
Back in the clubs my life went from bad to worse. One night trying to score a bag a’ weed outside the Pineapple Lounge I randomly peeped through a window and saw a cop and a thug shoot a man. People kept saying I was paranoid but I saw the murder and—the murderers saw me! Hollywood can’t make this shit up. I ended up trapped in a safe room under a fuckin’ barn. I tried to run but was shot in the ear and thug was about to kill my boy Saul when a fuckin’ Daewoo rams right into him (muthafucka!)
It didn’t help that I came from a strict family of minorities and that my mom was always trying to arrange a marriage for me. The last thing I wanted was commitment or even to change. But just like in the movies, not changing means not really living.
And that’s what I was doing before I met Apatow. Fuckin’ trainwreck, getting shitfaced, sleeping around every night because I could. I didn’t believe in monogamy. I didn’t have one real friend, and the one woman I really loved was married. Her husband actually kicked my ass on their front lawn but that still didn’t knock any sense into me. And then–I get cancer. Fuck me. God wouldn’t even let me be miserable.
Separated from the love of my life, I found myself alone, sick and tired. I almost didn’t want the chemo to work, but just to spite me, it did, slowly but surely. I was almost in remission when I fell into a coma. And none of the doctors had a clue why.
When I woke up a couple months later, I find out that Apatow had made a heartfelt movie about me where I learn all my lessons in a real but funny way. It’s a story where everything somehow turns out alright: I realize that I’m the cause of all my problems so I face my pain, stop hurting others and I end up making amends with the people I love. Adult children of alcoholics love this shit! Their messed up loved ones miraculously cured. All our problems wrapped in a funny little bow. The movie ends with all of us going off into a kind of a perpetual happy ending (without the hand job).
IRL, the big sick cancer came back and I’m still having problems with the drinking, drugging and whoring but at least Apatow made a movie about me.