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November 02, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

The National Guard and FEMA will be delivering 1 million hot meals to stranded New York City residents. Their rating on Yelp is at about 2 and 1/2 stars.

In related news, Con Ed stated Manhattan will have electricity back by Saturday. Con Ed says Queens will have it once someone proves anyone actually lives there.

On Friday, NBC will air the benefit concert "Hurricane Sandy: Coming Together." The stage will feature celebrities from New York not making any jokes about celebrities from New Jersey.

Roger Ailes, the head of Fox News, wrote a note to Condoleeza Rice during the Bush administration saying, "If I can be of help off the record -- just call." Needless to say, it was the first and last time a woman ever acted interested.

Miley Cyrus appears alongside a porn star in her latest music video. Already the song "Hey Y'all I'm an Adult" is doing well on iTunes.

Congressional candidate John Koster weighed in on what he called "the rape thing." Not surprisingly, it was just as controversial as his opinion on "the shipping off minorities thing."

The International Olympic Committee will be investigating Lance Armstrong's 2000 Olympic bronze medal. Armstrong could not be reached for comment, as no one wanted to tap on his car window and wake him up.

Following Disney's purchase of the Star Wars franchise, the company announced they're working on Episode VII of the series. Creator George Lucas said he will act as a consultant in case they need to know what not to do.

Of the announcement to make more Star Wars films, actor Mark Hamill said he's known since August. And that was even when Alec Guinness put a bucket on his head.

Former Penn State President Graham Spanier has been charged with hiding the Jerry Sandusky scandal. He takes after his father, Cocker, who loved burying things in yards.