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July 24, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

For their role in the Jerry Sandusky scandal, the NCAA fined Penn State $60 million. Penn State says they were hurt by the decision, as they had come to trust the NCAA almost like a father.

Penn State will also have to forfeit their last 14 years of wins, marking the time coach Joe Paterno first became aware of the allegations. Or as Joe Paterno referred to them, "Hey did anyone watch 'Law and Order' last night?"

The value of the euro has dropped to an 11-year low. It's still worth more than the dollar, but so are 5-layer burritos from Taco Bell.

Grindr, a phone app for gay men looking for sexual partners, crashed within the first few minutes Olympic athletes arrived in London. Makers of Grindr said they had no idea so many pole vaulters were participating this year.

Syria has warned that it would use chemical weapons if another country attempts to invade it. "And we have three...wait, two soldiers willing to fire them," said Syria.

24 people were injured at a self-help seminar run by Tony Robbins while walking across burning coals. It wouldn't been so bad if they weren't expected to help themselves.

Each participant reportedly paid between $600 and $2,000 to attend the seminar. So I'm guessing this isn't the first time they got burned.

Scientists have created an artificial jellyfish using muscle cells from a rat heart. Bringing science one step closer to creating a jellyfish that doesn't hate all Australians.

The Chinese government has been criticized after floods killed 37 people in Beijing. But if it was so bad, why didn't any newspapers in China mention it?

Sunday's Teen Choice Awards was a big night for the "Twilight" franchise, bringing their total number of Teen Choice Awards to 41. Putting the films in second place for most awards, right behind Sex.

Documentary filmmaker Ken Burns announced that his new project will be 14 hours long and focus on the Roosevelts. Keep in mind, 13 hours of that is just reenactments of FDR trying to reach a high shelf.