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July 08, 2014

Offensive Jokes

*I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by
turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole

I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning.


* The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.

She’s 21, and her name’s Kathy.


* Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
“pedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24
and I’m 50.

It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.


* My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his
class give him a hand-job. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year!

You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”


* The cost of living has now gotten so bad my wife is having sex with
me because she can’t afford batteries.


* A man called 911 and said “I think my wife is dead”. The operator
says, “How do you know?”

The man says “The sex is the same, but the ironing is piling up.”


* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow.

I said, “You obviously haven’t been listening.”


* The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could
contribute towards the floods in Pakistan.

I said we’d love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the end of
the driveway.


* My wife has been missing for a week now. The police said to prepare
for the worst.

So I went down to Goodwill and got all of her clothes back ….