So, as a snake, I thought the 1997 film Anaconda, starring a beautiful Jennifer Lopez, the incomparable Jon Voight, the hilarious Owen Wilson, and a tough-as-hell Ice Cube would be right up my alley. However, the film really fell flat. I’ll tell you, I was really disappointed. The whole time I was dragging this VHS tape back to my hole, I was so excited to see what Hollywood had done for big snakes -- we’re constantly belittled in the snake world so a movie all about us, even if it’s a horror movie (gag!), seemed pretty awesome to me. But it was FAR from awesome, for several reasons:
- No motive! Trust me when I tell you this, there may be snakes out there who want to kill people -- mentally ill snakes or sociopathic snakes -- but the snake playing the killer had NO motive and the filmmakers didn’t even take one second to explain why this snake was so ‘crazy’ for murder. Why did he hate these people so much? Why would he kill them? It was completely unbelievable.
- So Fake! The snake wasn’t even real - get a real snake in there and maybe the acting would be better. I’ve been in a few plays, and I’ll tell you this - acting with a fake thing (I did a scene with a paper mache egret) is just boring to do and to watch. Plus, the fake snake in this movie was comically big! I’m a larger snake myself, but c’mon! This snake was like three times bigger than even Reggie the Giant!
- Too Long! The snake AND the movie. I think they could have edited about 20 minutes of conversation out of the first act. Get to the snake already!
Overall, I give this movie two out of four stars. I’d like to see this movie re-done with a real snake, someone of the caliber of Reggie the Giant or Butch Snake. AND, seriously, edit out that fluff! Nobody cares about the people -- they want the snake!
--Snake © 2013