Ballymena, NORTHERN IRELAND- Professor Cyrus Blackthorne, a self-described psychotic misanthrope and avid Hello Kitty memorabilia collector, has made it known that he plans to make an offer on a nuclear fallout bunker completed just after the end of the Cold War in Northern Ireland.
Blackthorne says the 43,000 square foot, blast-proof, underground bunker could potentially make the perfect “evil lair” where he can rain death from above while remaining completely safe himself, in an upcoming attempt to take over the world as supreme leader. The bunker can accommodate up to 200 highly-trained goons, has a deluxe interrogation chamber, a state-of-the-art command center complete with Windows 10 software and a full chef’s kitchen. While the $855,000 asking price is a little steep, Blackthorne is confident he can come up with the down payment necessary to secure the property.
“I’m just starting out, I haven’t been at this long,” says Blackthorne, a 40 year old, ruggedly handsome Scottish ex pickleball champion. “With what I have, some money from my father and the ‘first time lair owner’ incentives, I think I will easily qualify for a loan. I’m going to keep my condo until the race war starts, I’m still amassing weapons of mass destruction and I only have about 60 goons, so it doesn’t make sense to move in right away.”
When news of Cyrus Blackthorne’s desire to obtain the property became known to locals, many had reservations and others were clearly upset to learn that a Scott was planning on purchasing the compound and the 40 plus acres it sits beneath. “I don’t see the rush to sell to Blackthorne,” explains Hayden O'Malley, local Ballymena Pub owner. “Here they go lettin’ em’ buy up all the property when so many Irish evil villains don’t have lairs of their own to call home.”
According to Lambert Smith Hampton, the agency listing the bunker, the Office of Northern Ireland’s First Minister could not care less about the situation and has issued a statement indicating that they will sell the property to whomever evil villain can come up with the money first and no preferential treatment shall be given in regard to nationality. Blackthorne is aware of the opinions of these townspeople and vows to destroy them all.
The bunker was constructed in the late 1980’s to protect regional diplomats from a Soviet nuclear attack and its existence was only made known publicly in 2007. After the fall of the Soviet Union, the facility became obsolete and has remained dormant until being put on the market this last week. It will take time and considerable capital to complete the evil, apocalyptic vision that Cyrus Blackthorne has in store for the bunker and for the world. He warns that it is only a matter of time before the bunker’s grim purpose will be realized once and for all.