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April 11, 2010


So....Elizabeth Taylor is marrying for the ninth time...and apparently he's gay. I thought gay people weren't allowed to get married??  OH!  It's only illegal to wed OTHER gay people.
Well...that makes sense.
It's much better, in terms of the sanctity of marriage, for gays to be required to marry straight people because an exchange like that is bound to stand the test of time and bring forward a conformist, non-dysfunctional atmosphere.  Uh-huh.
I guess if I was gay and not allowed to marry my partner, I might marry Elizabeth Taylor just 'cuz then when I went clubbing I could announce "I married Liz Taylor, Bitches!!!"  I would even have it written on a sash...hawk her perfumes from a cigarette girl box, sell T-shirts that read "I rode the soul train with Liz Taylor's husband!!"....because that IS what marriage is about right?  Self promotion, status and just basically all that's required is opposite anatomy, it doesn't have to MEAN ANYTHING!
I, for the record, stand by my assertion that rather than discriminate exclusively against gays, that the simple marriage rule should be 3 times for everybody..and THAT's IT!!  No 9 times for show with LIz and zero times for a legitimate couple who happens to be gay which is nobody's business anyway!
Also, the only law that should exist is that gay men cannot marry aged actresses, because then we never have to deal with that image of Liza Manelli and David Guest tonguing ever again.
Also, there should be a marriage test for EVERYBODY.
A simple lie detector test asking simple questions that a lot of people don't even consider when marrying someone they hardly know, or assume they already know when they DON'T.
Questions like "Are you gay?"  "Would you rather be fucking me than your intended "wife" right now?"  "Do you have a secret puppet collection?"  "What did you do that weekend with the boys in Amsterdam?"  "Are you broke?"  "Do you owe any family members a signifigant amount of money?"
These questions could save potential brides and grooms, gay or straight, uptight or nasty, from a "marriage" that never should have been.
I also have an aversion to depressing, shot gun style back yard weddings on the East coast.  But, that could just be me.