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October 14, 2015
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Major studio fat cat Marty Pintero explains to Jennifer Lawrence why she's getting paid less than men. She costs more!

Alright, cupcakes, big-time studio boss Marty Pintero here to address some controversy I’m hearin’ about. Apparently Jenny Lawrence is bent out of shape because the boys made more dinero than her on American Hustle. She and her lesbian friend Lena Dunham had a major bitch-fest about it on Dunham’s propaganda newsletter Lenny. Well Uncle Marty’s here to set the record straight. If Lena and Jenny were here, right now, on my private, adult-themed mini-golf course, I’d tell them, “Kittens, there are good reasons you make less money. You cost more!”

See, the expense of getting sevens like Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Adams camera-ready is ten times that of the boys. Women got that long hair we gotta buy brushes and shampoos for. You know how much a Goody brush can run you at a Dwayne’s Reed? Plus there’s buckets of makeups, fingernail polishes, and scented soaps for their downstairs pieces.

Hey, speaking of downstairs pieces — do we even need to start in on the whole period thing? Every friggin month we gotta shell out for fresh tampons and pads for all the ladies on set. Look, I’m no expert but I think you girls can ride a single tampon a hell of a lot longer than you do, just some advice. Then of course we have a special “red room” on set where we lock all menstruating females until they can pass the “swipe test” administered by a young male PA. Not only is that expensive, it delays shooting.

Women also eat different, more expensive food than men. Jesus friggin Christ, ladies, you’re all such picky, prissy little eaters. On American Hustle Jeremy Renner was perfectly happy with the piles of raw chicken we throw at male actors but no, Jennifer Lawrence wants a kale salad and water, please and thank you.

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Another major, major cost in the movie biz is insurance. We’re required to insure all the valuable parts of an actress’ body, so her titties and tush. Compare that to men who only need their penises and minds insured. Women need three whole things insured to men’s two things. Now you might say, “Marty, isn’t a penis a shaft and two balls? That’s four things to ensure.” Well, I’ll tell ya — most insurance companies consider a penis to include the balls. Take it up with them, not me.

Those are just the big costs to keeping women around. There’s a million little things too. They’re always asking for a green tea, an escort through dangerous neighborhoods , an umbrella to keep rain off them between takes when we’re shooting outdoor full-frontal sex scenes. Jeremy Renner never minded a wet penis.

So you get it now? Me and the other studio heads aren’t sexist and out of touch; you women are just expensive. Much like my personal hero, Donald J. Trump, I have done much for women in my career. For example, three of the dinosaurs in the original Jurassic Park were female. I made the designers carve vaginas into the animatronic raptors. They now figure prominently into my previously mentioned adult mini-golf course. If there are any hairy feminists left who doubt me, have your boyfriends call me and I’ll give him specific numbers. I just didn’t want to make this too complicated for you.

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