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Published July 05, 2012 More Info »
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Published July 05, 2012
     Dear Nudist Republican Bartender,   My wife and I both want children, but we live in a small apartment in a large urban area. I make a good living, as does my wife. Still, buying a house or condominium in the city would mean a drastic change in our lifestyle, and neither of us wants to move to the suburbs. I am not sure how to solve this dilemma. Sincerely, Transitional Thomas   Dear Thomas, America’s cities are wastelands ruined by unions and liberal politicians pocketing your tax money. They will weaken you, and as a couple you must be strong, like two olives in a Finlandia martini with just the right amount of vermouth. Suburbia is where the real Americans live, and I suggest you take another look there before you decide. Do you want your kids raised in a concrete jungle ruled by crack-dealing illegal immigrants on relief? Do you want them going to schools where they’ll be taught to hate America and given free condoms right before lunch, when they should be praying? Or do you want them to have a quiet home with good private schools and megachurches nearby and a privacy fence around the backyard so that they won’t have to put clothes on when they go out to play with their friends? You and your wife must make the decision that is right for you, but this nude man says head for the ‘burbs and then settle in with a refreshing mai-tai. Yours, NRB Dear Nudist Republican Bartender, As a gay republican, I find that fellow members of my party have trouble accepting me as I am. My gay, non-republican friends sometimes scold and make fun of me for supporting a party that doesn’t support gay marriage. I hate high taxes, support the wars on drugs and terror, own many firearms and believe in traditional values for the most part, but I feel no shame in the fact that I love another man. What should I do? Sincerely, Log Cabin Larry   Dear Twinkletoes, First of all, I am not anti-gay. I did my time slinging drinks at Jack & Jill’s down in Jackson, so I have a high tolerance for the appletini crowd. As long as you don’t go gaying in my backyard, I could care less about what you do. Free country, right? But please, no homosexualism classes in the schools. America needs to raise more real men and fewer mincing flit-boys. We need men who are strong, assertive and free, men who are not afraid to strip naked and walk boldly through a national park with the sun in their hair and the wind caressing their balls like a playful hand. I’m not comfortable with gay marriage, but in a few years I’m sure my fellow conservatives will re-boot the issue and make it sound like their idea, just like they did with the legacy of Martin Luther King Jr. (brilliant idea, by the way). Check back with me then. Yours, NRB    Dear Nudist Republican Bartender, I’m an alcoholic. This disease has cost me a career and a husband. I really want to stop drinking, but I just can’t seem to. I would try Alcoholics Anonymous but I live in a very rural area where the nearest AA meeting is a three-hour drive away. I need help. Sincerely, Boozy Suzie   Dear Suzie, Alcoholism is a leftist construct designed to put more people on the public teat. Drink or don’t drink, but don’t expect my sympathy if you can’t maintain control. And while we’re on the subject, Thursday night is always ladies’ night at the Shoe Lounge on Yancey Street, just north of Owen’s Town Grocery. From 7 o’clock on all drinks are 1/3 off for all of you lovelies. Also, Sunday night is now clothing optional night. Yours, NRB   Dear Nudist Republican Bartender, In a column a few weeks ago you advised nudists to “come out to the neighborhood.” Well, I took your advice and came out around 4:15 PM last week, and as a result my neighbor’s dog bit my penis and it now looks like a mangled bratwurst. I think I’m going to sue you. Bite me, Buck Naked Buck   Dear Buck Naked Buck, Safeguarding your Johnson is not my responsibility. What you’re threatening is just the kind of frivolous lawsuit that is clogging up the court system, Buck. Any ambulance chaser you hire is likely to be a Chomsky-loving redistributionist trying to rob every innocent businessman or nudist republican bartender in the state because of the mistakes of lesser men. And if you don’t mind me saying, that is very un-nude of you. Yours, NRB   Dear Nudist Republican Bartender, I’m an economics major at Brown. Next year I’ll graduate and I’m concerned about the future. If I go to work for a large corporation or a Wall Street brokerage, I may end up hurting a lot of poor people and helping to wreck the economy, just like the financial services industry did a few years ago. If I don’t seek such work, however, I’ll end up in a far lower income bracket. I want the good life, but I also want a clean conscience. How do I remedy such a conundrum? Sincerely, Down At Brown   Dear Down At Brown, Wow. Those pompous academic reds really have you hatin’ on capitalism. Don’t believe them. Don’t you know that corporations are people? They pay taxes and go to school and skip rocks just like everybody else. And of course, it was Ayatollah Obama who kneecapped the economy, and he’s threatening to do worse. I’m sure your atheist pedophile professors will tell you that things went south on George W. Bush’s watch, but what they don’t understand is that the mere threat of a left-wing Mau-Mau Jihadist coming to power was enough to frighten the business and investment communities under their desks. The economy works best when we are all unafraid to work hard, take risks and run bold and unclothed toward the American dream. So a few lazy people may get hurt. Don’t be afraid of collateral damage; get rich! Those snooty profs are hypocrites anyway. They’ll drink a gallon of gin, blow chunks in the can and then I have to clean it up. And they tip like Canadians. Yours, NRB   Dear Nudist Republican Bartender, Do you believe in God? Sincerely, De Sade Freakenstein   Dear De Sade Freakenstein, Yes, and I also believe we’re made in his image so he must not wear clothes. Why should we taint the perfection of the maker’s work with hot layers of cloth? Those science-worshiping Bolsheviks can have their big bangs and their random chance and their itchy black turtlenecks. I’ll take my god, real and in the flesh with a cool mojito in his hand, spreading love to all who don’t do it in the butt. Yours, NRB   Dear NRB, Hey, why are you not serving me the drinks I ordered? And why does your pretty barback have clothes on but you don’t? I can see Anthony Weiner from here. Hee-hee-hah! Sincerely, The Speaker   Dear The Speaker, I think you’ve had enough to drink, Mr. Boehner. Let me call you a cab. -NRB