By Kim Jong Il


(16 February 1980 - Today's Date / End of World)

(Yes, he was really that young. He looks great for his age, doesn't he? I don't have to prove ANYTHING to you, who the hell do you think you are, Donald Trump?) 


The entire galaxy is in mourning today over the death of Supreme Dictator Kim Jong Il. Yeah, they really called him that. The "Supreme Dictator". Pretty cool, no? You know you're beloved when you are billed as "Supreme". Didn't they call Clark Kent "Supreme-Man" or something like that? Just saying. But I digress. 

Everybody loved Kim Jong-Il and he will be missed. He had undeniable swagger and was more winning than Charlie Sheen, with much more tiger blood, as eating a live tiger every day for mid-noon snack was his custom. 

Contrary to what the media may report, North Koreans can be reassured that Kim Jong Il died doing what he loved, which was something totally wicked awesome.

He did not die in vain or from some wussy ailment. Rather, he met his finish battling a robotic army or slaying a dragon or skydiving into a volcano. Even then, the volcano had to put up quite a fight to finish him, and Ghost Jong-Il is definitely going to pay that volcano back in kind. 

Mr. Jong Il is survived by one daughter and three sons, one of whom looks like the kid on "Two and a Half Men" in the earlier seasons if he had been the son of a North Korean dictator. He's had wives here and there but sleeps with many, many woman all the time. Kim Jong Il is often made fun of for the size of his penis, because it is TOO big. When a girl looks at it she be all like, "How you gonna fit that thing in there?" But we make it work.

Kim Jong Il also has many sons and daughters of North Korea on the way because he's left behind an entire refrigerator full of his sperm samples. Use wisely. 

Kim Jong Il was 2011's most balling dictator. Other dictators like Moammar Gaddafi, Saddam Hussein and Bin Laden (who's not even really a dictator, just a guy living off daddy's money) were forced to go into hiding. What eunuchs! 

For Kim Jong-Il it was custom to throw seven, maybe eight parades and rallies a week, with fifty-feet posters displaying my iconic image, party rocking until the wee hours of the morning in celebrations that made Mardi Gras look like a four year old's tea party. 

Uh...der! Winning!