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Published April 09, 2013

Question 1:

I’m being set up with a girl way out of my league, and I don’t know what to do. My friend made reservations already, so it’s too late to back out.

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Whew, this is going to take a bit of legwork prior to the engagement, so get ready. First things first: Go to your local Chinatown. Don’t have one? Wrong answer; there is always a Chinatown. Next, find the biggest, most intimidating-looking fellow you can. You will then hand him $500 and a slip of paper (I will address the contents of this note later), and arrange to meet him outside of the reservation location. Scout out a secluded alley about four to five blocks from the meeting place, and try to judge whether or not it will be infested with muggers later. Follow up by plotting a course from the date location to your alley. Bonus points if it involves any fire escapes. Now, meet your hired man outside the establishment. Don’t worry about your date seeing you with him; you’ll be arriving late (as to how late, ask your date-making friend about her punctuality). Give your hired man written instructions as to the route you have selected, and instruct him to chase you and your lady friend— keeping a safe distance the whole time, of course.

Walk into the eatery, and approach your date. Tell her your location is compromised, grab her arm, and run out. Make eye contact with your henchman to signal that the game is on, and run your course. Try to be as reassuring as you can with your date—if you handle this badly, she may be a bit shaken up. When the alley is in sight, make a mad dash. Once inside, catch your breath and tell her that you think you lost him. Feel free to try to make up a fun story as to why a member of the Triad is chasing you; make yourself look like the good guy. About now, your hired man should enter the alley. Now the piece of paper you gave him earlier comes in, upon which you will write a short script akin to the following:

You: Is this about Hong Kong?

Triad: No.

You: Then what is this about?

Triad: Mr. Chen wants to see you, tonight.

You: Look, tonight’s not good for me; I’m a bit tied up.

[Gesture at girl]

Triad: Tomorrow, then. Be ready.

[Triad leave alley]

After this little scene, turn on your charm, and offer to make up your rudely interrupted dinner plans. This is the best time to flesh out your role. I recommend either the misunderstood bounty hunter or the human rights worker who had a run in with the mob, as these are fairly easy tropes to develop. Don’t forget to ask her about herself, but also make sure there is a feeling of impending doom as to your meeting with Mr. Chen. With any luck you should be home free by this point, so get ready for one passionate evening. This won’t last long, of course, as your lies unravel, but let’s face it, dude: She was way out of your league to begin with.

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Question 2:

All my friends are pressuring me to drink, but I don’t want to. What should I do?

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Man up and drink! Drinking is a magical thing. I mean, do you want a list of good reasons to drink? Because that’s what you’re getting:

  • You will be a better public speaker
  • Everything seems better
  • Everyone who drinks gets laid every time
  • You will be more graceful
  • Everything will feel more comfortable
  • Studies show everyone who drinks knows more than anyone who doesn’t
  • It makes you invincible
  • You get laid
  • You immediately know how to sword fight
  • You can recognize conspiracies more readily
  • You have better ideas
  • You gain the ability to tame a unicorn (provided you can find one, which you will be able to; you’ll be drinking)
  • You can learn to levitate
  • You can bust ghosts
  • Your liver will turn into gold
  • You get to have sex
  • Time travel totally makes sense
  • Bad movies become bearable
  • You will become worshiped, as a god, because you will become one

And those are some mondo-righteous reasons why you should drink, you chump.

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Question 3:

I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. I have suspected this for a while, but I’m just not sure how I can know.

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All right, this is a touchy subject, mainly because you cannot be seen investigating, or the jig is up. So, as to avoid this you are going to need to take the next flight to Tokyo. Once there, find the nearest underground ninja school. Train here for about a year, at which point you will be pretty good at going about unnoticed. When you get back in town, tell your boyfriend you are going to stay with a friend for the night. Leave, and then don your sneaking gear. Once outfitted, go to the roof, and wait for him to come out. Feel free to follow him until you have seen whatever you need to. If he does, however, pick up a lady, follow him and interrupt him mid-coitus. Show off your new skills, and scare the shit out of him. Revenge can be therapeutic: Now you know. Whether he was cheating before or felt the need to cheat during your yearlong ninjafying is neither here nor there, because hey, you’re a ninja now.

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Question 4:

I think this girl has a crush on me. We have always been friends, but she has been acting weird around me. I’d really like to know if she actually does, so what should I do?

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You are going to need to set up a rock-climbing excursion. This needs to be outdoors, and make sure to hire a climbing instructor. Pay him or her off to set up a little accident. While you and she are climbing, there will be a “mishap” with your support line (make sure there is a safety set up in case this fails and you do fall), so you are hanging from her. This is where the instructor you have paid off will yell, “You’re going to have to pull him up, but I don’t think you have the strength. Do you have significant feelings for him? If so, a burst of adrenaline may allow you to save his life!” With your life on the line she has to be upfront. She will confess her undying love for you, and boom, best first date story ever. Or, she lets you fall and wasn’t really into it.

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Question 5:

No one talks in my Spanish class, and it has started to make the teacher angry. She is really unpleasant in class now, and I want to do something, but I can’t be the only one who tries to talk. What should I do?

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Have you ever seen “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off?” In the movie, Matthew Broderick sets up an automated voice recorder in order to appear to be home. You need to create a more complex version of that. First, read ahead to the next few chapters in your Spanish textbook so you can guess what a few questions might be, and write down some questions that may come up in class. After that go out and buy as many tape recorders as you can, and record yourself answering some of the questions you made earlier (it is best to try to use a different sounding voice on each one). Next, sneak into your school and position the different recorders throughout the classroom. Then, rig an elaborate pulley system leading to your desk or something else that will allow for remote control. Spend a few hours memorizing where you have placed each answer. The next day in class, answer your profesora’s questions to your heart’s content and presto! No negative work environment. Of course, you will have to keep this up to ensure her good mood, so this really only works for as long as your sanity lasts.

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Well, I hope this helped some people out there. Have any issues or questions?

E-mail them to

CompletelySeriousWithSam@gmail.com.

 

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